Page 85 of Dirty Little Secret
Chapter 30
Zandra
Tossing and turning the rest of the night after my call with Fox, I was restless and agitated. The sun broke through my window, making it impossible for me to even try to sleep anymore.
Being Saturday, I knew there would be very little I could do about finding a new job or place to move to. But I had to do something. I needed to get the hell out of Charleston before I changed my mind.
Lying in the bed, I looked up at the ceiling. My eyes burned from all the crying I’d done, and my skin felt dry too. I didn’t feel good at all. Not emotionally, and not physically.
Pulling my body out of bed, I went straight to the bathroom. A long hot bath with bubbles should help me get my head straight and feel a little bit better about life in general.
The numbness still filled me as I soaked in the tub. I didn’t even try to shake it off. It had helped me get through hard times before. It had helped me do what I’d had to.
A huge part of me wanted to stay right where I was, in Charleston. That part of me wanted to believe that my life didn’t have to always be so bad. With Kane and Fox, I’d never felt more alive and happy.
And that scared the crap out of me.
I had never dared to let myself feel happy, loved, or even hopeful that life could turn out great for me. Not ever.
Maybe part of that came from being brought up by people who used the Bible as a weapon. I didn’t know exactly what the main reason was that I felt like there could be no long-term happiness or love in my life.
Had I always felt that way, or had that only started after the pregnancy? God knew my mother had done a great job of convincing me that I was only destined for misery in my future, to make up for the sins of my past.
My mind wandered to Fox. My little boy was a perfect angel; there was nothing evil or sinful about him. He did well in school. His grades were much higher than mine ever were. I’d skirted by in school. But then I’d had no one pushing me to do much better. All my parents had asked of me was that I pass my classes.
Sometimes I thought they didn’t expect more out of me because they knew I wasn’t capable of more. That I just wasn’t that smart.
Thinking that I wasn’t smart, I’d only ever gone for the easiest thing I could find. When I did well at it, that was enough for me—I never tried to aspire for more. Being a cocktail waitress didn’t take much mental work, so I could handle that just fine. I couldn’t be good at anything else, I just wasn’t smart enough, I’d always thought.
But Fox had managed to get his father’s brain and physical abilities, thank God. My son played his little baseball games like he was playing in the big leagues. He took his games and practices very seriously. And he was a real team player, too. That was something else he certainly didn’t get from me.
Not that I’d ever been asked to be on any teams. Or more accurately put, I’d never wanted to participate on any teams. I liked to be alone. Scratch that—I felt more comfortable being alone.
Like some unseen specter, I’d watched the others play, socialize, interact with the other kids in school. Every once in a while, a kid would call out to me to come and join them. I would pretend I didn’t feel well so I could stay on my own.
After a while, no one asked me to join in. They all knew what my answer would be. They left me alone, the way I wanted them to.
Will Kane and Fox just leave me alone?
Kane would be easier to push away than Fox. If I could bring myself to even do that to my son—the baby I’d mourned for ten long years.
Even as I thought that, Kane’s handsome face filled my mind.
Why do you want to push Kane away?
And why did I sometimes talk to myself in second person?
I supposed it was because at times I didn’t feel as if I was a whole being. I felt split sometimes. Maybe I was crazy. No, I was crazy. That was just reality.
Fox didn’t deserve to have to live with a crazy mother. Kane didn’t deserve to be with a crazy woman. I didn’t deserve either of them.
The sound of the doorbell ringing pulled me out of my internal dialogue. I didn’t bother to get out of the bath, though, which grew colder with each passing minute.
Maybe I would just stay in the tub and freeze to death. Not likely, in a home with a thermostat that was set at a constant seventy-five degrees. No, I wouldn’t find an out that easily.
And why was I even contemplating finding an out when I finally had so much good spread out in front of me?
Oh, yeah. ’Cause I’m crazy, that’s why.
