Page 86 of Dirty Little Secret
A knock came at my bedroom door, and I heard Taylor call out. “Get up, Zandy. You’ve got a surprise out here.”
Ignoring her, I slumped down further, letting my head go under the now-cold water.
Maybe I just won’t come up for air. That would do the trick.
But when my lungs began to burn, I pushed my head up out of the water, taking a deep breath. “What am I doing?”
It took everything I had, but I pulled my ass out of that tub. Slowly but surely, I dried off my body, put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, not bothering with a bra or panties. All I was going to do was lie around in my room anyway.
My hair was a wet mess, my clothes made me look homeless, and all I could do was stare at the loser in the mirror.
The doorbell sounded again. Taylor cussed, “Shit! Who is it now?” The sound of her bare feet padding across the living room floor made me look at my door, instead of the mirror over the dresser. “More?” she asked whoever was at the door. “My God!”
Waiting, I listened to what came next. Then her feet padded to my door, where she knocked again. “Hey, Zandy, get your ass up and come out here.”
Biting my lip, I didn’t answer her. I just looked back at my reflection. This time I found it intolerable.
Pulling off my clothes, I went back into the bathroom and took a proper shower. I washed my hair, shaved my legs and underarms, and put in some creamy leave-in-conditioner to tame my hair.
Something began to come to life inside of me again. The numbness was being pushed away, forced out by something else. I wasn’t sure what the hell it was. Usually, when the darkness found me, it took a lot longer for me to get through it.
The sound of the doorbell ringing off and on, along with Taylor calling out to me to come out and see what the hell was going on, made me feel something really odd.
Hope.
Hope for what, I had no clue.
But there it was anyway. It pulled me out of the shower and made me want to put on a bit of makeup so I could look presentable. For what, again, I didn’t know.
I dried my hair and put it up in a ponytail then dressed more appropriately. Bra, panties, a pair of slacks, a blouse that matched, and some flats too. I finally started to feel more alive, more human.
My eyes were still puffy, but I felt like that would go down if I could move around a bit and drink some water to rehydrate myself. I didn’t know what I was getting myself ready for, but I felt like I needed to be prepared. It felt like something outside my body was pushing me to do it all. Another entity had entered my body, forcing it to do what it felt was necessary.
At least I was there, somewhere, not fighting it at all. For once.
Most of my life I’d felt like I was fighting a battle within me. Part of me wanted to get out and enjoy things the way others did. The other part of me wanted to hide.
With Kane and Fox, the part of me who wanted to join the world of the living—who wanted to have fun, and go on adventures, and feel love—took over. I wanted to be a part of their world. And I’d never been happier.
Running my hands along my waist as I looked into the mirror again, I found a much better version of myself than I’d been looking at earlier.
“So what the hell are you doing, Zandra Larkin?” I whispered to myself.
Running away, as usual.
Shaking my head, I knew I had to change things up. “You have a son now, Zandra. You have prayed and wondered about that boy since that horrible day you watched him being taken out of that delivery room. You have mourned him for what seems like forever. You don’t have to mourn him anymore. He’s right there. And he wants you in his life. He wants you to be his mother.”
Looking at myself, I felt that familiar burn of tears behind my eyes. “No.” Shaking my head, I pushed that crying shit away. “No more.”
I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I wasn’t going to be running. Not again.
The truth was, I hadn’t put as much into finding another job as I’d told myself I had. The truth was, I hadn’t really let myself fall head over heels in love with Kane, or even Fox. And that was because I was still guarding my bruised heart, mind, and even my soul.
Fear of losing someone dear to me again had made me put my shields up, making sure I would find myself alone. And I’d lied to myself, telling myself that I was blissfully alone.
I wasn’t blissfully anything. I was barely treading water.
And I had to stop with that and start something new.
