Page 37 of Dirty Desires
Chapter Sixteen
Ashton
To say I was pissed at Artimus for bringing in a shrink as he held me captive in his office would be an understatement. But as mad as I was, I didn’t take it out on him. He was doing what he thought a friend should do.
But I also wasn’t promising to give this Jasmine Patel woman more than one session with me. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, telling me that I had to put Natalia behind me, I was going to let her know that I did not need her services.
“I will leave you to it then, Dr. Patel,” Artimus said as soon as she arrived.
Sitting in one of the chairs, I almost didn’t bother to get up. But then I knew that would be rude of me, and I went to her with my hand extended. “Ashton Lange, Dr. Patel. It’s nice to meet you.”
“It’s so nice to meet you too, Mr. Lange.” She gestured to the chairs. “Please, sit, and let’s get comfortable while you tell me all about this fiancée of yours.”
Taking a seat, I began, “Natalia Reddy stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes on her. And getting to know her only cemented in my heart the love I had for her. And that is where I plan to keep her.”
She had a pad of paper and a pen in hand, but she didn’t write down anything that I’d just said. Instead, she smiled at me. “Of course you want to keep her in your heart. She belongs there. Her body is no more, but she is still with you in many ways. She always will be, Mr. Lange.” Adjusting herself in the chair to get more comfortable, she crossed her legs at the ankles and took a more laidback stance. “I am not here to erase your fiancée. I don’t want you to worry about that, or get defensive with me. I am only here to help you.”
That did make me feel more comfortable with her, though I was still a little on edge. She’d been a bit too on the nose with that, and it made me wonder if Artimus had somehow had a chance to talk to her beforehand and tell her my fears. “Thank you. I was deeply afraid that anyone in your profession would think I needed to get Natalia out of my head and heart in order to move on with my life.”
“You must learn to absorb her better.” A wide smile moved across her face. She wasn’t old, but she wasn’t young either. Maybe in her late thirties. Maybe she could help me after all. “I need to let you know a bit about what you may be dealing with here. A number of research studies have proven that spousal bereavement is a major source of life stress that often leaves people vulnerable to later problems, including depression, chronic stress, and even reduced life expectancy.”
That was news to me. “I could have a shortened life expectancy?”
“You could if you don’t get help, Mr. Lange.” With a brief nod, she went on. “The grief process commonly takes months, sometimes years, to subside. There are a small number of people who experience symptoms for a much longer period of time. In some cases, these symptoms resemble other psychiatric conditions such as Major Depressive Disorder, also called MDD. At times it can be impossible to tell if a person is suffering from the disorder or just suffering from grief.”
It was hard to believe that I had a disorder. “I have Major Depressive Disorder? I’ve always considered myself a happy guy.”
“I didn’t say you have MDD,” she clarified herself. “I said the symptoms of that disorder are the same as the grieving process. Now tell me, and answer honestly, please, did you cry after her death?”
“I cried a lot. And I do mean a lot.” In the beginning, it was almost nonstop. “And at times I still do.”
Now her pen went to the pad of paper on her lap. “Can you tell me when the last time you cried over her was?”
“A little over two weeks ago.” I recalled the last time I’d dreamt about her. “I woke up from a dream about her that ended with the crash that took her away from me. I’ve had that dream about once a week for the past four years, and every time I wake up screaming and crying for her to wake up. But I’m okay with that.”
Shaking her head, she wrote something down about that. “You shouldn’t be okay with that.”
“I’m not here to lose Natalia, Dr. Patel.” It was time to be truthful with the woman. “I’m here to get this other woman off my mind so my fiancée can come back into it.”
“No,” came her quick response as she kept writing things down about me.
No?“What do you mean, no?”
She looked up from the paper to look me in the eyes with a stern expression. “I will not help you to live an unhealthy life, Mr. Lange. I am here to help you. Now, please tell me how often you’ve expressed your grief to anyone else?”
I had talked to Nina and Duke, and even Artimus about Natalia. But I had never cried with them or anything like that. Nor anyone else for that matter. I kept it all to myself. “Um, I don’t share it.”
I had earned another shake of her head. “Ah, but you need to share it.”
“I’ve shared more about Natalia with the woman I’m currently trying to get off my mind than I have with anyone else,” I confided in her. “But I definitely don’t want to talk to her about it anymore. It made me feel close to her. It made me start fantasizing about her. It made me dream about her instead of Natalia.”
After jotting down more notes, she looked at me with concern, her voice echoing that same emotion, “What do you think is wrong with feeling close to someone?”
I thought about that for a long moment before answering, “It wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s pushing Natalia out. I don’t want her pushed out.”
“She’s no longer here, Mr. Lange,” she felt the need to point out.
“She was,” I said. “At least in my dreams. That is until I went and shared her memory with Nina. Now she’s gone.”
