Page 76 of Dirty Desires
Nina had made the apartment hers already, and I felt her presence there every day, even as she lay in the hospital unconscious and on the brink of death. Her things were everywhere. I tried to snuggle with her pillow to get some sleep, but that only put me to sleep for short spurts of time.
I needed her now. But was it my need for her that had gotten her hurt?
“Do you believe in curses?” I asked the cab driver.
“Oh! Yes, I do. Very much so,” he told me as he bobbed his head.
“I think I’m cursed.” I pulled the engagement ring out and held it up. “I think that when I put an engagement ring on a woman’s finger that it puts them in great danger.”
The driver stopped at a light and cocked his head to one side. “Let me get this straight. You have put that same ring on multiple women’s fingers, and they’ve been hurt?”
Looking at the ring, I shook my head. “No, not this same ring. The rings are different.”
“Oh, then, no,” he informed me. “That’s not a curse, then. If it were the same ring, then I would say it was a curse. Not the same ring—no curse.”
I frowned, feeling a little dazed by the conversation and how quickly he’d shot down my theory about being cursed. “Maybe I’m just afraid of losing another partner, then, and that’s what has me looking for explanations in the form of curses.”
“Most likely, sir.” His dark eyes looked at me through the rearview mirror. “I suppose then that you have lost a love, and now you have a new one and you think you might lose her too?”
Nodding, I confirmed his suspicions, “Yep.”
“My advice is to push that worry away. If we let the worry of what might happen stop us, we will never do a damn thing. Or love anyone, for that matter. There is always a chance that something can happen to anyone. Or the chance that they will fall out of love with us and leave us one day. But we do it anyway.” He winked at me. “Do you know why we do it anyway, sir?”
“I really don’t.” I shook my head, thinking that he hadn’t helped me at all.
“We do it anyway because life encourages us to.” His head bobbed again as he smiled. “Life is what it’s all about, sir.”
My eyes went back to the floor, not feeling like I was quite getting what he was saying. And there I spotted something that I hadn’t noticed before when I’d been staring at the floor. A small piece of white paper. Like the fortune from a fortune cookie.
Picking it up, I read it:In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, it’s the life in your years.
Holding the ring in one hand and the little paper with the wise words on it in the other, I thought about those words meant. I could have a life, long and free of worry, sadness, and loss. But what I would be giving up companionship, connection, and the highest price of all would be love.
I would have to give up love. And I would have to take my love away from Nina.
I had never thought about it that way.
I had lived four years without love in my life. Those years seemed so empty to me now. Did I want more empty years ahead of me? Or did I want years, no matter how few or how many there would be, that were full of life? A life that included love, happiness, and Nina?
The cab driver stopped in front of the entrance to the hospital, and I put the engagement ring on my pinky finger. “You know what?”
“What, sir?” he asked me as he turned to look back at me.
“I choose life. Have a very nice day.” I got out of the cab, listening to the man laugh.
He made a joyful sound as he laughed and called out to me from the open window, “You have a nice life, sir.”
“I think I will.” I went inside, greeting everyone I saw. “Good morning. Nice day, isn’t it?” I went all the way to the waiting room in ICU where I found a nurse with a nametag that saidGonzales. “Hi there. Good morning, Nurse Gonzales. I know I’m five minutes late for this morning’s visiting hours, but I’ve got to see my girl. You’ve got her back there, and I need to put this little ring back on her finger.” I wiggled my pinky to let her see the ring.
“Ah.” She smiled. “You must be here to see Nina Kramer. She’s been asking her mother about you. I had no idea you two were engaged. You never mentioned it.”
“I wasn’t myself. But now that she’s awake and on the road to recovery, I feel much better.” I winked at her and wiggled my pinky at her again. “So, you think you can bend the rules just this one time? I’m pretty sure that wearing this ring will speed up her recovery.”
“I think you’re right.” She walked out from behind the nurses’ station, beckoning me to follow her. “Come on with me. I’m going to put this down as a therapist’s visit. That means you get an hour with her. This is the kind of therapy she really needs right now too.”
I had an in now, and I would be using it to my advantage. “Thank you. You’re a saint.”
“So I’ve been told.” She took me right to Nina. “She’s resting, but feel free to hold her hand. She might wake up for you.” She pulled the curtain to cover the majority of the glass wall, giving us a bit of privacy. “I’ll come back in an hour to let you know when your time’s up.”
