Page 127 of Under Her Skin
“Mostly because she’s a mess right now. See, she and I have similar issues. While Lexi has helped me immensely, I still have to fight the urge to push her away at times. Our kids help me to stabilize those fleeting emotions, but I do fight them from time totime.”
“Well, I can’t live like that. I can’t live the way life would be with her. I love her. I mean, I loved her. I’m sure one day I won’t anymore, anyway,” I say and pick up a little weight and curl it up to my chin a fewtimes.
“She foundout who her father is,” Max says and my heartstops.
“She said her mother didn’t know who itwas.”
“She lied to her, like she did about so many things. Rachelle’s grandfather let her in on a lot of family secrets. Turns out Rachelle’s father was once a good kid. A high school football player and he and her mother were a couple for several years. They got pregnant in their senior year and her mother ran away,” Maxsays.
I put the weight down and ask, “Did she talk tohim?”
“She did,” he says, “He went a bit mad it seems and lives under a bridge or something in her hometown of Round Rock. She went to see him and it seems things were awkward and really odd, but I would assume the man is completely mentally unstable as he lives under a bridge for the love ofGod.”
“Why would she go to see him?” I ask in disbelief. “That was dangerous. The girl isn’t sensible. She could’ve been hurt or worse.” I slam my fist on the bar and the set of dishes I’ve been packing to give to the charity store shake and make a jingling sound as they bounce against oneanother.
She’s so small and fragile and she went to see a crazy man. What’s wrong withher?
“She could have,”he says. “Lexi and I both talked to her about never doing that again. At least not all alone. She said he threw a glass bottle of orange juice she gave him at the back window of her grandfather’s old truck. He was shouting obscenities as she drove away and screaming her mother’s name. But the first part of their meeting was okay, shesaid.”
“Good, God! That woman isnuts.”
“That’s exactly what she’s afraid of, Blake. She’s afraid she’s crazy, just like her parents. She isn’t of course, but she fears she has no chance of living a normal life. A life you are entitled to, according to her.” He makes a long pause then he says, “She talks about you a lot. She’s very much in love withyou.”
I sigh. “You aren’t helping me,Max.”
“Sorry. Guess I thought you might still care for her. I suppose she did burn her bridge with you, just as she was afraid she did. I understand. I really do. Most people wouldn’t want to deal with the things that come along with loving a person with abandonment issues.” He clears his throat. “The pulling with one hand and pushing with the other. I get it, it’s enough to make a mancrazy.”
“It is! It really is!” I start to pace for some damn reason. “I mean I have no idea of what to expect. One minute it’s ‘I love you, Blake,’ the next I’m looking around for where the little lunatic has run off too. It’s just too much, Max. I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I’ll go crazymyself.”
“I get it, Blake. You don’t have to explain things to me. The things Lexi and I put each other through were awful. I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Stay where you are, stay away from the girl, she’s bad news wrapped in a pretty package.” He draws in a deep breath. “Leave her to her own kind. People with these issues tend to come together. Let someone just like her deal with herlunacy.”
His words sting and make me feel selfish. “I’m glad you understand. Let me know if she needs anything. I mean anything. I do care for her. Fuck! I love her. Anyway, let me know if she needs anything at all,Max.”
“I will. Talk to you later, bye.” He ends the call and I gulp down the beer Ihad.
I wonder if she could ever trust me. I wonder if she knows I’d stand by her no matter what. I wonder if she’ll ever give me the chance to prove that toher.
The last box of my parents’things I carry out to my truck and get in to haul them all to the charity store. Now that I have all of their things out, it’s time to start the remodel. I want this little house to look great with all the newest bells and whistles before I find a nice family who really needs it to give itto.
Rachelle
I’ve been with Max and Lexi for three days now and they’ve said some really powerful things to me. The way I’ve lived my life doesn’t have to be the way I continue to liveit.
Being alone has always been more comfortable to me than being with someone. Now I see why. I learned how to self sooth, and not in a goodway.
When people wanted to be in my life or help me, I pushed them away. I always thought that I could do it all on my own. I had managed to survive my mother and then I lived after she left me with a group ofstrangers.
I always looked at myself as a tough, little chick who could handle anything that was thrown at her. And I could do it completely on myown.
Kip and Peyton have begged me to come and be their personal chef and I refuse to do it. Merely on the principal of them paying me more than I amworth.
Max and Lexi have made me realize it’s not me who decides what I’m worth. It’s the people who care for me that do that. If Kip and Peyton feel I’m worth all they want to give me in order for me to work for them then I should take it, if it’s something I want todo.
I really want my own restaurant. And I really want to make enough money to get that. I also really want Blake in my life. But I messed that up and I have to acceptthat.
Burning bridges seems to be a thing people with my issues do. I should really learn to stop doing that, but I don’t know if it’s even possible. Seems neither one of my parents learned how, so what are mychances?
A knock comes to my bedroom door and a little boy’s voice calls out, “Chellie, wanna pway wifme?”
