Page 38 of Dirty News
And I was selling myself short too. I wanted to be able to hold her hand, to run my arm around her or kiss her whenever I wanted without fear of losing my damnjob.
Did that mean I had true feelings forher?
“What if we went to Artimus and came clean?” I askedher.
She eyed me as she took a drink of her Pepsi before saying, “Here’s what I think would happen if we did that. We’d both lose our jobs before they even really started. I’d have to go live with my parents, and this would endanyway.”
“Well, that’s pretty cut and dry, isn’t it?” I went back to eating the food, hardly tasting a thing. But I wasn’t the kind of person who wasted anything, so I finishedit.
But I did notice that for all the tough words that were coming out of Lila’s mouth, she pushed the food around her plate without eating much at all. “This doesn’t taste as great as I thought itwould.”
“Perhaps the topic of conversation has more to do with that than the actual food.” I wiped my mouth with the napkin before putting it on my emptyplate.
“You didn’t seem to have any problem finishing your meal.” She put her fork down, not even trying to eatanymore.
“I have a strict rule about not wasting anything. Mom instilled that in me from a young age.” I sat back, looking ather.
Would I be able to look at that face nearly every day and not wanther?
If it were just sex, then maybe this need I felt for her would fade away soon. It had only been a few days, after all. Not enough time to get addicted toher.
Right?
Lila looked at the floor, zoning out. “I guess we shouldn’t have acted on things so quickly. We didn’t think this through. We’ve just been like a couple of horny teenagers, acting on the attraction and not thinking about what would happen if we actually had to work together on a daily basis. Not thinking about how we’d be able to hide what we’re doing fromeveryone.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t want to stop what we were doing, but I did realize that carrying on the way we’d been would only make it more difficult to keep our hands off oneanother.
But what if we could rein thatin?
All it would take was determination, and I had tons of that. “I don’t want this to end, and I don’t think you do either. Not really. We knew we’d have to hide it—we knew we’d have to get some self-control.”
Her eyes slowly moved from staring at the floor to looking at me. “But it’s so much harder than I thought. I don’t know how else to get myself under control, other than breaking things off. Even now, all I want to do is crawl into your lap and let you hold me. Like some kind of addict, I crave your touch. It’s not healthy, youknow?”
“It would be if we didn’t have to hide this.” My fingers moved across the table, barely touching hers as her hand lay on the table. “Let me talk toArtimus.”
“No. I don’t want either of us to lose our jobs.” She shook her headadamantly.
“I don’t want to lose you.” My eyes held hers, hoping against hope that we could find a way to keep seeing each other. “I can keep my hands to myself. I’ve proven that already. Hell, I wanted to put my hands on you the moment I met you, and I was able to hold myself back when I had to. I can keep it all together while we’re working and while we’re in public. Ican.”
“But can I?” She lookedaway.
“You said it yourself—we’ve only been together for a few days. We just have to make some adjustments, that’s all. We’ll get used to it. There’s no reason to stop doing what we’re doing.” I put my hands into my pockets to keep them from straying to her the way they wanted todo.
“I don’t want to stop what we’ve started, but it’s only sex, Duke. It’s only that, and it will always only be that. I’ve lied to myself, thinking it could blossom into something more, something real.” She let out a long sigh, looking forlorn andsad.
“I don’t see why you keep saying it’s just sex. I care about you, Lila. Do you care about me at all?” I askedher.
“Of course I do.” She rubbed her forehead as if the conversation was giving her aheadache.
“Then stop talking the way you are. Let things progress. We can do this. I know we can. And stop saying this is just sex, because we both know it’s more than that.” I got up to leave, hoping she’d follow. I had the feeling she needed to be held for a while. “Let’s go to my place. Not to have sex, either. To watch a movie together, share some popcorn, and maybe a couple of beers too. Then I’ll take you home and we’ll kiss goodnight, but nothing more than that. I want to show you that I think more of you than what you clearly assume Ido.”
“A secret date?” she asked as she looked up atme.
I pulled out her chair. “Can we just call it a date and leave the secret out ofit?”
“I suppose so. Can we really just hang out together without doing the horizontal mambo?” She seemedskeptical.
I nodded. “I’m going to show you that we can do more together than just bumpuglies.”
