Page 40 of Nightclub Surprise
Would I be able to deal with a life with him that was so very different from the life I’d envisioned? How would I be able to handle the disappointment of another dreamshattered?
Chapter Twenty-two
August
I left the house early the next morning. Facing Tawny after what I’d done to her proved too hard for me to do. My therapist’s office didn’t open until nine, so I waited in the parknearby.
My cell rang at eight-thirty. Tawny’s name shone up at me. “Hi,” Ianswered.
“August, where are you?” she asked, concern etching hertone.
“I told you last night I’d be seeing my therapist first thing this morning, Tawny.” A car drove by, and I saw Doctor Schmidt inside of it. “Hey, he’s here. I’ll call youlater.”
“August, call me as soon as you’re done there. I’ve been doing some research. I want to talk to you aboutit.”
My heart ached, and my head felt as if I’d been in a boxing match with Mike Tyson. I felthopeless.
Everything had been going so right. But I’d failed to remember my little affliction. It would never be safe for Calum orTawny.
Coming in just behind the doctor, I seemed to have startled him. “Oh, goodness, August. What has you here so early?” He looked at the calendar that hung on the wall. “Wait, today isn’t your normalday.”
“No, it’s not. Something’s happened. I’ve hurt someone.” I took a seat on the sofa, the one I usually sat on for our therapy sessions. “Someone Ilove.”
“I was afraid of this,” he said as he took his usual seat. “August, I know you’ve made great strides, but you’re not far enough along that there wouldn’t be complications when seeing someone seriously. So, tell me whathappened.”
I told him what I knew. “I had a bad dream. I don’t remember the dream at all, or even recall having one. She said she tried to wake me up and I hit her in the face, busting her lip. That was bad enough. But she said I choked her, too. My handprints were all over her neck, Doc.” Tears trickled down my face as shame and horror overtook me. “How can I make thisstop?”
“It takes time,” he told me, handing me a box of tissue. “August, you were a working marine for six years. You’ve seen things, participated in things, and performed acts of war that most civilians could never imagine. That all builds up inside of a person’sbrain.”
“I had no idea I was having these types of dreams, Doc. How could I not know that?” I asked him. It was tearing me apart that I’d brought the woman I loved to my bed not knowing I might hurt herphysically.
“My advice, for now, is to let me prescribe something for you. Zoloft, I think, might be best.” He pulled out a prescription pad and began to write onit.
I didn’t want to take pills. I hated the way they made me feel—numb and unfocused. “No.”
He looked at me with a frown on his wrinkled old face. “August, you need more than just therapy to manage this at the moment. You need medication. If you had, let’s say…hypertension, then you’d take a pill for that. If you had diabetes, you’d take medication for that. Why can’t you look at this like the disease itis?”
“Because this is mental. This isn’t physical, and I will not turn into a damn zombie to win this battle.” I got up and slammed out of hisoffice.
Nothing he did was working for me. I needed more. I needed some real help. Maybe a whole damn team to help me get over thisthing.
I could do this. I knew I could. I could do it because I had at least two reasons to, now. Before, I didn’t have anyone to do it for. But now I did, and I’d beat thisthing.
Getting into my car, I pounded the steering wheel in frustration. I had all the money in the world at my disposal and no idea how to get the help I reallyneeded.
My cell dinged, and I looked at it. Tawny had sent me a text, telling me to come home and talk to her, that she had a lot to tellme.
So, I drove home, not sure what she had to say, but putting my trust in her the way she’d done me. If she and I were going to get married, then I had to learn to lean on her, too. It was time to admit to myself for once that I had weaknesses, just like anyone else. I wasn’t the hero she thought Iwas.
I’d been a merciless killer at times. I’d been a man who shot first and asked questions later—that was what I was trained to be. I may have killed innocent people; I had no way of knowing for sure. Shooting from a moving helicopter at a shifting mass of what we thought were rebels, I could’ve killed innocents. That was the terrible consequence of war, the casualties ofcombat.
Thankfully, Calum was away at school when I got home. Facing the little guy would’ve made everything even harder. Tawny must’ve been waiting with her ears pricked because she ran to me as soon as I came into the foyer. “August!” She threw her arms around me, huggingme.
My arms moved to hold her, wishing like hell I wasn’t so fucked up. “Baby, I am sosorry.”
“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything on purpose.” She pulled back to look at me, and her swollen lower lip hurt to look at. “August, I’ve been bitten by scared little kids, kicked by expectant mothers with low pain thresholds, and once I was smacked in the face by an old lady’s purse when I came up behind her too fast and frightened her. Her purse leftbothlips busted.” She tried to make light of the situation, but it didn’t help me atall.
“Don’t, Tawny. This is bad. This is really bad. I had no idea I did things like that when I slept.” I took her hand, rubbing the back of it, loving the way her soft skin felt beneath myfingers.
