Page 66 of Until the Storm Breaks
CHAPTER 17
MAREN
The walk-in cooler door closes behind me with a definitive click, sealing me into blessed cold and silence. I lean against the metal shelving, letting the chill seep through my palms, trying to freeze out the image burned into my brain: Elena’s fingers on Calvin’s arm, her body angled toward his like she belonged there.
My breath comes out in visible puffs. The cooler hums its steady mechanical rhythm, drowning out the bar noises beyond the door. In here, surrounded by cases of Rainier stacked to the ceiling and buckets of pre-sliced limes for tomorrow’s rush, I can finally stop pretending everything’s fine.
Get it together, Maren. You kissed him once. That doesn’t make him yours.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket. I pull it out with cold fingers that are already going numb.
Calvin:I’m sorry for showing up. And for them. That wasn’t what it looked like. Elena means nothing. I kept trying to shift away from her.
I stare at the text for a moment. He’s explaining like he owes me something, when we haven’t even figured out what we are.
Me:You’re allowed to go to bars. You don’t owe me explanations.
His response comes immediately.
Calvin:I want to talk.
My fingers hover over the keyboard. I could say no. Could protect myself, keep the walls up, stay safe in my small life where nothing can hurt me because I never let anything matter that much.
Me:Ok. I don’t close tonight. Off at eleven.
Calvin:I’ll be up. I want to see you.
Maren:We can talk then.
I shove the phone back in my pocket and press my palms against my eyes. The problem isn’t that I think he wanted Elena. I could see how uncomfortable he was, how he kept trying to create distance. The problem is what seeing them together stirred up in me. This ugly certainty that someone like Elena is what heshouldwant. Someone polished and successful. Someone who runs literary festivals and wears dresses that cost more than I make in a week. Someone who didn’t drop out of community college to pour drinks and worry about making rent.
The tears come hot and humiliating. I press harder against my eyes but they keep coming, all the fear and self-doubt I’ve been swallowing since this afternoon’s kiss. Since before that, really. Since the first time I read his essays and thought I understood something essential about grief.
But he did kiss me. Just hours ago, pressed me against the bar and kissed me like he’d been thinking about it for weeks. And I’d kissed him back with everything I had, all the want I’d been pretending wasn’t there.
The door swings open, letting in a blast of kitchen heat and the clatter of dishes.
“You hiding or actually looking for something?” Lark stands in the doorway, hands on her hips.
“Both,” I manage, wiping my face with my apron. The rough fabric scratches against my cheeks.
She steps inside, pulls the door shut with her foot, and slides down the wall to sit beside me on the cold floor. “Is this about Elena trying to climb Calvin like a tree?”
I laugh. It comes out watery and broken. “She looked like she belonged with him.”
“Did you not see the same thing I saw?” Lark says, bumping my shoulder gently. “Calvin kept trying to get away from her. He was practically falling off his barstool trying to create space. And the whole time, he kept looking for you.”
“She runs a literary festival, Lark. She’s successful, sophisticated. She belongs in his world.”
“Mare, Calvin couldn’t have been less interested if he tried,” Lark turns to face me better, her voice getting serious. “The man literally got up and walked out. Left cash on the bar and bolted. That’s not exactly subtle. Mare, what’s this really about?”
I pull my knees to my chest. “When I saw them together, all I could think was how much sense it made. Calvin and someone like that. Someone educated and successful. Someone who fits in his world.”
“Seriously?” Lark stares at me. “The man who runs to help whenever you need it? Who clearly couldn’t stand Elena and Adrian? Mare, he looks at you like you’ve hung the moon.”
“That might just be proximity and?—”
“Stop.” Lark cuts me off. “You’re doing that thing where you convince yourself you’re not enough. That you need to be someone else to deserve good things.”
