Page 197 of The Omega Exchange: Omnibus
I’m questioning a lot of my life choices at the moment.
“Come on, Mel,” my ex-boyfriend says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Aren’t you going to let me in?”
Ben gives me the same chagrined smile that he does every time he screws up. I’m very familiar with this particular look. He’s used it regularly over the last ten years.
The cowboy boots he always wears rock against the porch, and it’s like my eyes are drawn to them. Maybe it’s because they’re so familiar.
We’ve had this same showdown many times. I guess I’m the one who changed. I’m not backing down.
I can’t.
No matter how much my heart hurts, I can’t continue to do this. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll completely lose myself in the process.
“There’s no reason for you to be here.” I jab a finger toward his truck parked in the driveway. “I told you before we left North Carolina, but I’ll say it again.We are done. Please leave and don’t come back.”
My chest aches, and I say a little prayer that I can keep it together until he leaves. He had the audacity to show up on Valentine’s Day with no gift and no apology.
I’m not sure why I’m surprised. I think maybe I’m more annoyed at myself for letting it hurt my feelings. I know better. What I can’t seem to figure out is how to shut off ten years’ worth of emotions.
“Melody,” he says, rolling up his shirt sleeve. “Come on, honey. I made a mistake.”
I scoff because making a mistake is forgetting to take out the trash. A mistake is missing the electric bill and paying it when the truck shows up to cut off your power.
What Ben did was straight up disrespectful, and unfortunately, it wasn’t outside his normal character.
I believe human beings are allowed to screw up and it isn’t something that should be held against them, but he’s never going to be the man I need him to be.
I’ve spent so long trying to be a better girlfriend and the perfect omega that I lost myself along the way. I’m never going to be enough for him to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
My lower lip quivers as my eyes burn.
If I let him, he’ll continue to use me up until there really is nothing left. I take a deep breath and steel myself against the barrage of emotions.
There have been good times over the years, and at this very moment my system is trying to convince me the bad times don’t exist.
I think it’s the fear of the unknown and maybe a little heartbreak that I wasted so much time on a relationship that wasn’t all that great. If things don’t work out, all the pain and suffering meant nothing.
I read something that said people hang on for too long because your brain registers investment versus loss.
Basically, the more you put into something, the higher the value your brain puts on the return. You’ve put in so much effort that your system isn’t willing to take that loss.
When a relationship is new, you’re more likely to walk away. It’s easier because you haven’t invested so much into it. But once years go by, even if the other person’s behavior has declined significantly, you’re still more likely to try to fix it than you are to move on since starting fresh is accepting you’ve forfeited your investment.
I don’t know if I’m even remembering it correctly, but I do know when I read that article, something clicked.
If Ben had started out doing half the crap he’s done the last year or two, I would have walked away, but it was a gradual progression.
It slowly got worse, and that conditioned me to think it was because Iwasn’t doing enough.
“Bye, Ben,” I whisper, spinning around.
I don’t look back. He always gets me with his puppy dog eyes and those damn straight white teeth of his.
I yank open the screen door. I’m almost inside when he grabs my wrist.
His spicy scent floods my nostrils, and I fight the feeling of familiarity.
My eyes ache as they squeeze shut. A ragged breath escapes as I do my damndest to hold back the sob.
