Page 65 of To Go Against Her Heart
“Good Lord! Jane, talk to me. What has happened?” Elizabeth cried, horrified at her state of distress.
“You are ever calling me kind, Lizzy, yet I acted with the utmost cruelty and I cannot forgive myself,” she said, before proceeding to reveal what she had at last come to understand about her sentiments towards Mr. Bingley.
“He has not changed—he looks at me the same way he did at Hertfordshire. Yet from the moment we met again in town, I convinced myself that I no longer felt anything for him. I presented numerous reasons to support my thoughts, but none were true. I still love him, Lizzy, but I made him believe that I no longer wish to see him again. I saw the pain in his eyes, andperhaps, I wanted him to feel the anguish I endured because of the separation he imposed upon us.”
Elizabeth embraced Jane and comforted her, unable to witness her despair.
“Nothing has occurred that cannot be mended, and you know that as well as I do. Mr. Bingley loves you dearly, and he shall not make the same mistake twice. Whatever you may have said to him at his house will not alter his affection for you.”
“All this while I believed that I bore no ill will towards anyone. But the truth is—I did. And it was that anger, born of his sister’s schemes, that led me to act with such vengeance toward him. I still cannot comprehend how I was capable of such spite towards the man I love. I do not deserve his affections.”
“I am certain he does not hold you in contempt for anything. Please do not lose hope, Jane, and I have not—in your case. You deserve all the happiness in the world,” she said, consoled her sister, and wondered if she could do anything to help the couple.
That very evening, Mr. Bingley visited Darcy at his residence and was rather surprised to learn that he had called upon Elizabeth that morning, and alone.
“You seem to be surprised,” Darcy said, looking at the expression on his friend’s face.
“Well, I knew you were on better terms with Miss Elizabeth since you met her in town, but I did not realize that you wanted to take this course of action.”
“My intentions and sentiments towards her have always been the same, and I do not wish to procrastinate anymore. May I dare to ask you something?” he enquired, and Mr. Bingley nodded.
“What do you plan on doing now? Why haven’t you called on Miss Bennet?”
“Because she asked me not to.”
“What? You must be jesting.”
“She did not openly state so,” Mr. Bingley said, and went on to explain how Jane had only hinted, in a customary manner, at her wish to see him in Hertfordshire.
“Is there a chance you could have misinterpreted her words?”
“I am not that naïve, Darcy. This is what she wishes, and I have lost her forever. I know not what I might do to win her heart, for I have undone everything by my own folly, and worse still, I allowed my own sister to destroy my happiness. I feel lost and do not know what to do,” Mr. Bingley said with despair.
“If you expect me to offer guidance or counsel on how you ought to proceed with Miss Bennet, then I must beg your pardon, for I have no wish to interfere. Think about it, Bingley; this is your life, and whatever the outcome may be, your actions must be based on your own reasoning and will. Please do not allow anyone, including me, to dictate your life. I would advise you to reflect upon all that has passed between you and her, and to be guided by your own heart. If you truly love her, you will not be at a loss for how to proceed, nor will you require validation from others,” he said, hoping that he had steered his friend in the right direction.
On his ride back home, Mr. Bingley pondered over Darcy’s words and, for the first time, realized how utterly unaccountable he had been in everything that had transpired with Jane.
I have allowed my sisters to manipulate and deceive me all this time. How would Jane perceive me, a weak man with no ownership of his life or actions? Clearly, that is the reason why she is unable to forgive or trust me again. I chose to blame everyone else around me when I was the sole reason for my current misery. Instead of leaving Netherfield in haste, doubting her sentiments, I should have expressed my love for her and earned her trust. I have hurt her beyond measure, and despite everything, I have not done anything to ease her pain.
He stormed into the house and found his sisters seated in the parlor.
“Charles, what is wrong?” Mrs. Hurst asked with concern, and Miss Bingley looked at him with surprise.
“Louisa, I do not want you to interfere; I want to have this conversation with Caroline,” he said, and Miss Bingley stood.
“What is it? I seem to get a headache just by looking at you now,” she said with irritation.
“You might not have taken my words or actions seriously before, but I suggest you start now. I have been lenient with you ever since our parents died and have failed to correct your flaws, which has now resulted in my current state of torment. Your actions towards Miss Bennet and me have been nothing but devious. From the moment I learnt of your interference in our separation, you have never once sought my forgiveness, nor have you done anything to amend the pain you caused us.”
“You are right, and I do not care to do so now or in the future.”
“I do not seek an apology from you. But rather than confining you to your room that day when she dined with us, I ought to have insisted that you offer her an apology. I failed in that duty because I lacked the confidence that you would not insult her again. And I am ashamed to admit, I doubted my ability to restrain you from such ill-mannered conduct.”
“I do not understand what you want me to do now, and I am tired of listening to your hysterics about the Bennet girls.”
“Enough! Listen to me now: I will no longer allow you to insult them, nor will I hesitate to invite Jane Bennet here, worried about her encounter with you. I want you to apologize to her and treat her with the respect she deserves.”
“Apologize? What nonsense! Who is she to me? A country nobody,” Miss Bingley said with spite.
