Page 59 of To Go Against Her Heart
“And how about Mr. Darcy?” Jane asked with a raised eyebrow, and Elizabeth could no longer lie to her sister.
“Jane, I…I do not know why…But I told him I would be happy if he called on me. I should not have, and I don’t understand how I said such a careless thing to him.”
“Why is that wrong? He has always admired you, and I am certain you made him very happy.”
“What good would this result in? What am I to accomplish by allowing him to attach himself to me? I can never grant him the happiness he deserves. Pray look at me; for months, I have lived in despair, spinning nothing but darkness around me. I can never be my old self,” she said with sorrow.
“You do not see it, do you?”
“See what?”
“Ever since the day you met Mr. Darcy at the assembly, you have gradually returned to your own self. You have hardly mentioned the man who broke your heart, however, you seem to struggle to accept the fact that someone else favors you. I know you too well, Lizzy. You may disguise it from the rest, but not from me. You do care for him, and what makes you think your past should decide your future? Why can’t you allow yourself to be happy? It pains me to clarify this, but do you still have a place in your heart for Mr. Harrington?”
“Good Lord! No! I hardly think about him and honestly doubt whether whatever I felt for him was…truly…”
“Was it truly love?” Jane interrupted.
Elizabeth nodded in agreement.
“I cannot be the judge of that; whatever your feelings were, I can assure you it was for a man who did not deserve them. It seems to me that, by your treatment of him in Hertfordshire, you led Mr. Darcy to believe you cared nothing for him. Nevertheless, every look he bestows upon you speaks only of admiration and regard.”
“What if he becomes aware of my past? I can never conceal it from him.”
“I am certain he is not so cruel as to allow it to undermine his affection for you.”
“This will not do; he deserves one far more worthy than myself. I should never have spoken to him today in the manner I did. I gave him hope, and I cannot forgive myself for that.”
“Why should he not be hopeful of winning your heart when there is a good possibility of him succeeding?”
“Because I cannot imagine giving him the happiness he deserves. Yes, I do not care about the man who wounded me; I do not even think about him. But mine was not a trifling infatuation, such as Kitty or Lydia are so often prone to. I agreedto be his wife, Jane; I was engaged to him. How could I ever forget that? Mr. Darcy does not deserve someone like me—so guilty, uncertain, and vulnerable.”
“I understand your feelings. But when the time comes, if you reveal everything to him, you will be relieved to understand that he will care nothing for your past. Whatever your struggles are, he will stand by you and do all he can to earn your love and trust.”
“Enough about me and my worries. I heard Mr. Bingley called on you today. Did you feel well enough to meet him?”
“He did call, but I was resting because of my headache. Honestly, I was relieved not to meet him. The man is not himself in my company, and I assure you I feel the same way.”
“I understand he invited us for dinner tomorrow.”
“Aunt said he did, and if I may speak plainly, I do not wish to go. But…”
“But?”
“It would be cruel to treat him with such disregard, for I know too well the suffering caused by such treatment.”
“Mr. Bingley is innocent, Jane, and you know that.”
“He is, and I can never hurt him for what his sister did to me. I informed our aunt that I would have to limit our acquaintance with the Bingleys after tomorrow. It is for the best, Lizzy. There is too much to overcome between us, and I do not think I can trust him or my intuition anymore.”
“Perhaps you can follow the advice a beautiful young woman gave me just moments ago—when the time comes, you may have to open up to him and resolve all your problems.”
Jane smiled, and the sisters retired for the night, each battling their own struggles.
***
The next day, Jane was gently pressed about her feelings regarding the dinner at Mr. Bingley’s house, and she reassuredher sister and aunt that she was equal to the task. Elizabeth suddenly doubted whether Darcy and Georgiana would be in attendance. She knew very well that he despised Miss Bingley for her schemes and was certain he would not be comfortable bringing Georgiana to the same house. But when they arrived at Mr. Bingley’s townhouse, Elizabeth was surprised to see Darcy welcome them along with his friend. The moment his eyes met hers, she saw him smile with a sense of warmth. His unexpected appearance left her discomposed for several moments. Jane, who had equally dreaded meeting Miss Bingley, was greatly relieved to hear that she was unwell and would not be present for dinner.
However, Mr. and Mrs. Hurst were a part of the evening. Elizabeth watched Darcy as his friend accounted for his sister’s absence, and in his countenance, she perceived that he was already aware of the detail. She could not help but wonder if he had himself demanded it, to be present at the dinner.
