Page 3 of To Go Against Her Heart
Yours,
Richard
After reading Richard’s letter, Darcy had a lot to ponder; he wondered if his cousin was right with his advice. Until a few years ago,Darcy had entertained the hope of finding, at some future period, a woman worthy of his esteem—though, at least, not in town. But as years passed, he found it painful to navigate social settings, finding no lady he could value and regard.
Maybe I must set aside my expectations and marry for Georgiana’s sake.
But would I be able to live a life without love? What if my actions end up hurting Georgiana even more?
As the night progressed, Darcy felt a deep void in his heart, and a feeling of loneliness engulfed him as he retired to bed. He understood the reasoning behind his cousin’s words and resolved that the time had come for marriage. Though uncertain of finding the woman capable of capturing his heart, he acknowledged to himself that now was the time to try.
***
Hertfordshire, July 1811
Elizabeth sat alone in the library as she clutched her aunt’s letter in her hand. In the course of the past six months, Mrs. Gardiner had written to her quite often, and every letter she wrote bore the weight of her remorse for the events in town while Elizabeth had been in their care. Mrs. Gardiner blamed herself for Elizabeth’s present state of unhappiness.
Dearest Lizzy,
With this letter, I abandon my determination to refrain from discussing the past with you. What could I ever do to take away the pain I have caused you? I wish you had allowed me to make your engagement public; your uncle should have been informed, at the very least. I still curse myself for permitting you to keep it a secret until he came to speak with your father, and it worked well, to Mr. Harrington’s advantage, I must say. It would never have been easy for him to marry another had your engagement to him been made public. Not only did he deceive you, but he also deceived my judgment of his character. I should never have permitted him to call upon you, nor encouraged your sentiments, knowing full well that you were falling in love with him. I was well aware of his mother’s greed for wealth and status. Whatever he stated as a reason to end your engagement must have always been a concern. I cannot forgive myself for what you aregoing through, and from Jane, I understand that there is no improvement in your temperament. I do not have the right to say this or request you to forget him, but I am certain that he does not deserve your love. You are suffering for a man who never really cared about you, and I beg you to forget him and look at the future with hope.
Through you, I have learnt a lesson I shall never forget. I shall henceforth be more diligent whenever a suitable bachelor is mentioned for any of my nieces, and yet I cannot forget that this resolution has come at the cost of your welfare. It is almost beyond belief that he escaped without consequence, and my heart aches to inform you that I suffered his presence at a ball just last week. Mr. Harrington shamelessly walked up to us with his wife and greeted us without guilt. I am sure he was unaware of my knowledge of your engagement, but even then, he had no reluctance in presenting himself to your uncle and me with the same charm. I must say your uncle was barely civil towards him. As much as it pains you, he is happily married, Lizzy, and I state this fully aware of how it would make you feel. You are losing your happiness and peace for a man who is not worthy of you. I cannot express how angry I was at witnessing him that evening, but I am glad I did. Otherwise, we might have granted him the benefit of the doubt that he was stuck in an unhappy marriage. Forget him and every word he said to gain your regard. I am worried that we may lose you forever because of what happened in the past. I know how well you can hide your suffering from your family, but you cannot hide it from Jane. She is in the utmost distress and informs me that you have shunned all social engagements of late. Please, for my sake, you must breakthis resolve and stop torturing yourself. You deserve the best in life, including love, and I am certain you will find it.
I know you do not want to travel to town, as he is settled here. But you cannot allow someone who never cared for you to control your life. Please consider visiting us even for a few days; the children miss you. Forgive me once again for bringing up the subject I promised not to venture into. Quite selfishly, my heart feels lighter after expressing my thoughts, and I pray for your health and happiness.
Yours,
Madeline Gardiner
Elizabeth sighed deeply as she closed the letter. Painful as it was, her aunt’s words reminded her of the sorrow she had inflicted upon her family, particularly Jane and her father. Despite her efforts over the past months, she could not forget the trials to which she had subjected her own heart. She was certain that she no longer loved him, yet the life she had envisioned with him as her husband had left her deeply scarred. The memory of his words of affection, and of how she had once returned them, continued to haunt her, and her heart burned with disgust at having trusted a man who had dismissed her so thoughtlessly, simply because she possessed no fortune. Elizabeth lingered over the passage in the letter where her aunt mentioned meeting him.
What did I expect of him?He is charmingly capable of showing cordiality even to me, should we happen to meet. It does not matter to me whether he is happy in his marriage or not. I am unable to forgive myself for trusting such a man. How did I allow my heart to be wounded thus? I had always believed in true love, yet I never truly understood what it meant. Henever loved me; if he had, he would have fought for me. It was easy for him to disregard everything he promised for the sake of money and status.
She felt disgusted to remember the happiness she felt while in his company. As her aunt had written, Jane was much distressed by Elizabeth’s condition. She endeavored to comfort her, yet, to Jane’s despair, every effort proved in vain. Though none knew of Elizabeth’s engagement to Mr. Harrington, it was no secret in society, thanks to her mother, that a wealthy gentleman had courted her in town. Even after several months, Elizabeth could hear people gossip about her at gatherings and parties. She limited herself to social engagements, finding it very depressing to be among people who looked at her as an object of gossip. Her father was well aware that she nursed a broken heart, and, for the first time, he felt remorse for not having increased her dowry, having learned from reliable sources that her suitor had married into wealth. He wondered whether that had been the reason the gentleman had not offered for his beloved daughter. Elizabeth was relieved that he remained in ignorance of her engagement, and she made Jane promise that it should remain so.
As she gazed out the window, she knew her favorite season was fast approaching. Elizabeth loved autumn; as the leaves turned into magnificent shades of yellow, orange, and red, she relished walking her favorite trails and being immersed in nature’s beauty. But now, she wondered whether she could ever take delight in its beauty as she once had.
How wonderful it would be if my sentiments could change as easily as the leaves turn their color. If I could rejoice in everything that once gave me joy, forgetting my own follies, could I ever return to my old self and find the courage to trust the world?She wondered.
Unfortunately, Elizabeth was well aware that her inability to trust herself was the very reason she could nottrustthe world.
Chapter 3
London, August 1811
Darcy sat with his relations in town, and his aunt and uncle were delighted with his arrival.
“After all these months, you finally convinced yourself to travel here. Though I wish you had arrived sooner, I am happy that you intend to stay for some time,” his aunt said.
“We are glad to spend time here, and I am certain Georgiana will be well entertained.”
“Do you plan on traveling to Hertfordshire with your brother, Georgiana dear?” Lady Matlock asked her niece.
“No, he informed me it would just be a short stay,” Georgiana replied.
“Then you must stay with us while he is away,” her aunt pressed.
Darcy agreed, and Richard was anxious to converse with his cousin in privacy, and they left for his father’s study.
