Page 44 of The Governess of My Heart
“Your compliment gratifies me. I would also like to thank you for supporting my expenses for all these years.”
“Elizabeth, look at me. I did not send you away with Fanny because of ill will. I was unmarried then, and I could not raise you. Your grandfather died a month after Sarah’s death, and it was the best choice I could make under the circumstances. Fanny was able to raise you without the scrutiny of society, and I thought you were safe in Longbourn.”
“I was not, and without Mary’s help, I would have been ruined for life. I am sorry to cause you pain, but your good intentions were of no use. I am not angry with you or anyone. I have accepted who I am and please do not compel me to leave.”
Mr. Gardiner tried his best to convince her, but she denied leaving Ashton Park, and he had no choice but to return to town without her.
“I do not take your decision to be permanent, and I believe someday you will change your mind. When you do, our doors will always be open for you. I want you to get married and live happily, something your mother was deprived of,” he said with emotion before he left her.
Elizabeth could sense the sincerity in his words, but that did not alter her decision.
I thought Uncle Gardiner would give me a better understanding of what happened. My last hope is gone. How will I ever know who my father is? How am I to live with mystery in my head?
She thought about what her uncle had said before he left.
Marriage?
The word was not alien to her as she had heard nothing but talks about marriage for several years in Longbourn. However uncertain her future looked; she was confident about one aspect.
I will never fall in love or get married.That is certain.
Chapter 16
Present day, Derbyshire July 1811
Elizabeth felt Darcy's piercing gaze upon her as she left him, and she swiftly descended the hill, fearing that he would follow her.
What have I done? I tried to end my life; how could I make such a decision after everything I have been through?
She cursed herself and tried not to look back at the man who had saved her life.
Elizabeth knew her anger toward him was just a reflection of her anger toward herself. She was certain that she would have jumped if not for him.
As she ran down the hill, a thousand thoughts raced through her mind. The day before, she had received a letter from Mary, and Elizabeth was surprised to find two letters in the envelope.
Lizzy,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I do not want to waste time by mentioning the usual affairs of Longbourn. I have been searching for answers about your birth ever since you left. Last night I found a letter in Papa's safe. If I am right, it belonged to your mother. I assume the person who wrote it was your father. I could not find any clue about his identity. I am enclosing the letter along with mine, hoping you find something you need. I will write to you again.
Yours,
Mary Bennet
Elizabeth finally thought she could gain insight into her birth and read the other letter quickly. But to her dismay, there was no clarity about the identity of the man who sent it to her mother.It was a letter professing deep love and affection, but there was no other detail or clue in the contents. The letter was signed with the initials "MA."
““MA”? What could that mean? Are those the initials of my father?"
She read the letter repeatedly, and it seemed to have been written during a period of separation.
Uncle Gardiner said my mother was in love with someone intown, but this letter does not affirm it.
She was confused and frustrated the whole day, unable to decide what she must do. She hardly slept that night, and by morning, she was in a state of distress.
Nobody knows anything, and Uncle Gardiner has no answers. The only way I can find out my father's identity is if I return to Longbourn and confront them.
As she walked up the hill, somehow, with each step she took, she lost hope in life. In a spur moment of anger, she had decided to end her life near the cliff when Darcy intervened.
I would be dead by now if not for him.
