Page 302 of Chaos has a Name
She put down her food.
And the man continued.
“I don’t want to die. I’ve said that to you already, but I need you to listen now too.”
Oh, she would, simply because she had nothing more to say about this. She’d vented, regrouped, and would work through it like she always did.
“I’m sorry for the burden that was put on you to lead this family. Timothy was so hellbent on saving his boys, he didn’t think of the outcome and that someone was going to have a heavy weight to carry.”
Oh, she was aware.
She was the one holding the Blackhawks together, and it wasn’t easy.
It was exhausting since she was also a mother and had two full-time jobs as the Deputy Director of the FBI, and also running the VC Unit.
“Instead of carrying that weight with you, I let you do all of the heavy lifting, assuming it was my right to pass the buck. It wasn’t. I’ve been very selfish in my life, and that was wrong too. When I married Maeve, and didn’t tell my own children until after the fact, I was cruel. When I didn’t come to you with my illness, but ran to avoid it, I made a mistake. I need you to forgive me.”
She stared at him.
Already, she had forgiven him. The good thing about her was she exploded, and then, she was over it. Elizabeth wasn’t a‘hold a grudge’kind of a girl.
Now, she was in the clean-up phase.
“You’re so loved,” she admitted. “You’re so cherished that losing you will hurt all of us. There won’t be a single person who doesn’t break over this. You’ve made your decision, and we will come to grips with it. All I wish is you would have just told us, but I can’t change that. All I can do is deal with it.”
He saw that now.
What he’d done was to protect them, and he saw that it didn’t do that.
It made them feel ostracized, and it left them in a freefall that they didn’t deserve.
That was never his intent.
So, he was honest.
“There are days I don’t feel like I’m worthy of that love. I ask myself why did Catherine have to die, when I got to live? I tried to die nonstop with the drinking and the stupidity. The Great Spirit wouldn’t let me. I was trapped here, and forced to live this pain. Now that I am happy and blessed, I’m going to die. It feels like punishment, and it broke me.”
Elizabeth felt sorry for him. It was clear Chris did, too, because his neutral face softened, and he had emotion in his eyes.
Elizabeth had burned it to the ground, and now, she’d begin rebuilding it.
That was the only choice for them.
“From what Ethan tells us about his mother, she was a beautiful soul. I’m betting that she would never hold a grudge. I know if I had to choose to live or die, and my outcome was me living and one of my loved ones dying, I would pick me every time. I’m betting Catherine would make the same choice.”
Wyler listened.
“I pray each day that if I’m going to die, it’s before any of them. Only, today, Wyler, when I woke up in that cave and was bound and on the cusp of possibly dying, I wanted to live—so they didn’t hurt. I stopped thinking about me, and put them first. Their hearts matter more. That’s called love.”
He needed to say what he had to say.
“I mourn Catherine every day. She was the most amazing woman. She saw something in me that I didn’t even see. I never got to say goodbye to her. It’s a festering wound that I can’t heal. I’ve never been able to heal it no matter what I did.”
She was to the point because Wyler needed to hear what she was about to say.
When Charlie died, she never got over it. It wasn’t until she came to grips with it, found all of his killers, and got him justice was she able to say the hardest word.
Goodbye.
