Page 38 of Stolen Voices
She twists the ring on her thumb and admits, “There’s no other guy.”
There’s no other guy.
Her confession has the beast in me lying back with his hands under his head and preening.
Music to my fucking ears.
ten
Callie
Thesoundofseagullsand waves crashing against the shore fills the silence as I sit next to my favorite person in the world, overlooking what used to be one of our favorite places on Earth.
I watch her stare off into the horizon, quiet as usual.
Her honey-blonde hair whips in the wind, reminding me of the days my dad would take us to the beach. We would swim, build sandcastles, and when the sun would set, my mom would sing and dance around the bonfire.
But that was before we lost dad.
My nose tingles and tears fill my eyes, clouding my vision. I miss them so damn much. My dad is gone forever, and my mom might as well be too. She’s sitting right here beside me, and yet she’s still a million miles away. Another lifetime away, one where my dad isn’t gone.
I’ve never felt more alone.
Grief and trauma have turned my mom into a shell of the woman she once was. She used to be so full of life, but now she’s just… I don’t even know anymore. I’m starting to lose faith in her coming back to me, to the present.
I chose Malibu Cove Therapy Center because I hoped it would remind her—like it did me—of our old summer beach cottage. With its white shaker siding, blue trim, large ocean-facing windows, and cliff-side views, it seemed like the perfect place to evoke memories of better days and bring her back to me.
I thought it was working, but she recently relapsed into her depression again and hasn’t spoken since. I don’t know what happened, but I wish I could fix it.
I squeeze Mom’s frail hand. “Someday. Right, Momma?”
She glances my way and, for a second, it feels like she understands—like she’s going to say something—but my hopes are dashed when her matching chestnut-brown eyes fill with tears and she looks away.
She’s not ready.
So, I do what I do every week. I rest my head on her shoulder and sing her song before I leave. When I finish, I glance up to find tears streaming down her face. I wipe them away and wrap my arms around her waist, hugging her tight.
“I miss him too,” I whisper. My heart aches for my mom, but I wish she understood how much I need her. How much I miss her.
Mom pats my hand, and my heart leaps.
That’s new.
I want to move, but I’m afraid she’ll slip away again if I do, so I talk, spewing the first thing that comes to my head. “Last week, I had a run-in with some not-so-friendly nuts. They tried to kill me again, but I got lucky. Eli was there to save me. You remember me telling you about him, right? Mykind ofagent. Well, he acted so fast, getting me my EpiPen and giving me the shot. He was amazing under pressure, just like you were while Daddy drove to the hospital. Eli, he held me and talked me through the entire episode before driving me to his house and getting a doctor to make a house call.”
Mom keeps her hand on mine, rooting me to the bench beside her.
I keep going, soaking up what feels like her attention for the first time in way too long. “I won’t lie. The doctor was so pretty I thought she was Eli’s girlfriend until she told me she was happily married. I know I shouldn’t get jealous, but I couldn’t help it. My silly crush on him won’t go away. There is just something about him. We have this weird push-pull thing between us. I know you’re going to say it’s only because he’s hot, so let me tell you… He ishot. Devastatingly so, with mismatching green-blue eyes, brown hair, and slamming body. But, for me, it’s his confidence that makes him ridiculously sexy. Is it weird to say that to you?”
I pause, hoping Mom gives me a sign. She doesn’t, but she also hasn’t let go of my hand yet either.
So, I keep going. “I didn’t think so. I could tell you anything, and you would never judge me. Anyway, as sexy as Eli is, he also drives me crazy. He can be rude and dismissive, and borderline overbearing. Last week, after I left you, we got into this huge argument. He was angry I stole his car to come see you. He thought I was with another man, accused me of having a boyfriend. Can you believe it? The idiot thought I’d steal his car to be with someone else. I wanted to smack him and kiss him at the same time. See what I mean? He drives me mad. He’s so … infuriating.”
In my head, I imagine my mom laughing and telling me that’s how she and my dad were before everything shattered. My parents had so much passion for each other. When they fought, it was loud; when they were happy, it was louder.
Even though it breaks my heart, those memories help me understand how broken she feels inside. He was her everything, and now he’s gone. I want what they had, to experience that kind of all-consuming love. The love that hurts and heals. Love that is full of happiness and life. Love that thrives and grows.
“Eli is just so … everything. When I told him I wasn’t ready to say where I went, he almost lost it. But after a few breaths, the fire burning in his eyes receded. Like a sense of calm washed over him. Then, he gave me something I didn’t know I was missing. His trust. He’s given me space and hasn’t pushed. I will tell him about you someday, Momma. I’m not ashamed of you, but I also need to keep you safe. The fewer people know you’re here, the safer you are.”
