Page 58 of Petals of Blue: Part One
"I'm sorry!So fucking sorry!We hate ourselves when wewake up each day. We despise the choices we made every night. Our parents took advantage of young minds who grew up with so much money all we knew was privilege! Day in and day out we were told we had to succeed to be loved. Once they planted that fucking seed, they told us all the ways we could ruin our lives! Approval was everything. Approval was survival. Loving a girl with a different upbringing and wanting to pursue an unconventional relationship with her was a surefire way to lose everything we grew up striving for!"
"What about loyalty?!" Blue fires back.
Felix steps forward again. "What about craving approval and love that seems just out of reach?!"
"Your friends approved of you. The people who spent their free time with you loved you.Iloved you, dumbass."
I inch forward when I notice Felix's jaw clenching.She triggered him.Pride and relief make me a little lightheaded when Felix handles the situation maturely.
"Blue," he warns, taking a shuddering deep breath, but his chest keeps heaving. "Watch the way you talk to me. Be pissed, swear, yell, whatever, but under no circumstances will I let you stand there and call us names inourhome after ten at night."
Blue sucks in a small breath and Felix adds, "I've hit my quota for patience today. Don't push me on this one fucking thing. Please."
"He said please," Declan gasps way too fucking loud, so I elbow him in the ribs. My heart is pounding, and I feel sick watching their pain bleed out of their mouths in remembrance of our poor decisions. Blue glances back at us, but she refocuses on Felix.
"I'm sorry," she offers softly to which Felix nods. "A relationship with you guys won't work," she reiterates, sounding sad and a little cautious now. "I have Violet to think about and a career I'm working toward. Plus," she fidgets, breaking eyecontact, "there's just way too much hurt. I won't get past everything that happened."
My gut clenches uncomfortably as if her words triggered my fight, flight, or freeze response. Does she really believe we caused her too much hurt to consider anything beyond this shallow friendship we've built? Sometimes I feel like she's holding back intentionally, so maybe if we keep pushing her...
"We won't give up," Jared declares, standing from the couch.
My brother jumps a little.Has he always been this annoying?"Was he there the whole time?"
"Yeah," I mutter. "Did you not see him peeking over the cushions?" Fucker looked like a scared child about to get yelled at for not doing the dishes before his mom got home.
Declan shushes me, and I have to hold back from shoving him.What the hell?
Blue crosses her arms, but her stance is different this time. Instead of guarding her chest, her forearms wrap around her waist. "I can't make you stop trying, but please hear me when I tell you that you broke me. I'm not that same girl. I'm not Erica anymore."
Yet, she's still my petal.
"And I don't do relationships," she adds hastily.
Like the manic idiot he is, Declan claps his hands to gain her attention. "What about pizza?" he asks with a grin wiggling our box of takeout.
Almost immediately, Blue brightens. "Oh! Yes, please. I'm starving."
Everyone seems to relax, and I question how smart my brother really is. He just diffused the situation with one suggestion. Maybe he's not as immature as I thought he was.
My timer for the banana bread dings, lighting a fire in my veins as Blue takes a slice of meat lover’s pizza.Fight activated.I won't stop fighting for the girl.
Thirty-Seven
BLUE
“You deserve everything you want, Ma. If that's them, then that's okay because it won't be like the first time. Sure, you’re older and learned hard life lessons, butyouare different. Plus, you've built a kick ass friend group who will always be looking out for you should you need to hide a body, orbodies."
Violet's words this morning have sparked many ideas and possible paths. I feel like it's up to me how my relationships with the guys progress, even as they force their way into every facet of my life.
It's tradition for me and Violet to go out for breakfast on our birthdays, and this year was no different except our topics of conversation. Normally I give boy advice and offer encouraging words, but the tables turned.
V watched me with a knowing expression while I stared at my hash browns for probably far too long. I just haven't been able to get them out of my head.The guys, not the hash browns.
Once again, after our emotions came to a head in a heated argument between me and Felix, they've only gotten closer to me. It's so hard not to think of myself as weakfor allowing them in. Beating myself up about it doesn't help anything, though. They haven't allowed me space to pull away.
I tried the night Felix proclaimed their intentions to Jared's parents. It didn't do anything except bolster their resolve. And dampened my panties when Felix demanded respect.
Sometimes I lose myself in my feelings. I'm emotionally competent enough to know that I spent so long trying to tamp them down and focus on Violet that I caused a problem.
