Page 43 of Petals of Blue: Part One
Except that was before they became a part of every inch of my life again. That's dramatic, but that's how it feels. I'mbeing suffocated by memories and guilty looks on faces that are way too handsome to be human.
Of course, I'm losing sleep. Who wouldn't?
"I don't think that's the question you should be asking yourself, Blue," Bethany whispers, looking thoughtful. "I think asking yourselfwhyyou are giving them your attention is more important."
"That's easy. Because I deserve to know why they left me, don't I?"
She studies me. "But how will that serve you? What do you gain from this?"
My response is immediate. "Closure." As much as I've buried them, the past has a way of showing up.
Bethany frowns and hesitates. I nudge her, releasing her thoughts. "This seems like an opening, though. You've opened the door for them, now what?"
"Now I—" Shit. She's right. Now what? What the hell even is closure? "I say goodbye."
"That's great except it sounded like a question, Blue. Do you want to say goodbye?"
Damn her and her emotional intelligence. I open my mouth and close it a few times. "Fuck," I curse myself. "I should have already saidyesif I knew what I wanted, huh?"
Bethany smiles sadly with a touch of slyness. "Yeah, hun. It sounds like you'll need to keep that door open for a while if you want to figure out if you should close it for good."
"What if I just slam it in their faces and forget about them?" I'm being pouty because this sounds like a fuckton of vulnerability that I don't want to share with four people who broke my heart.
"Then you wouldn't be much better than them..." she whispers, her eyes pleading with me not to rip her head off for comparing us. "I know there's really no comparing the circumstances, but your heart and the guilt I know you'resusceptible to wouldn't be very rational about all of this. You'd fixate onwhat ifsbecause of what happened to you."
What if I block them and ignore them and something bad happens? What if they're hurt trying to get ahold of me? What if my actions cause them harm? They could fight and blame each other, ruining their friendships because of me.
"Yeah," Bethany agrees, having caught on to the spiraling going on in my head. "You're much better than that, Blue. Your heart is pure, and your anxiety is fierce. Making rash decisions out of anger will only make you vulnerable in the end."
"Anxiety feeds off of vulnerability..." I mutter, shivering. "They make me feel weak though, Bethany. I can't deal with that."
"Actually, I think that's exactly what you should be feeling. Think about it. You rarely have panic attacks or allow your triggers to make you freeze. You told me you panicked being trapped in their car last night. That you hesitated when that guy grabbed you because Declan was there. Your actions show you have room for growth, Blue. It's okay to pay attention to your cues. Those guys are challenging you, showing you your weak spots...Maybe that's not such a bad thing."
"Easy for you to say," I grumble, finishing my cup of coffee. "You make a good point, though."
She smiles and takes my cup. "I always do," she sings as she skips out the bedroom door.
Roman, Declan, Felix, and Jared unarm me. Can I really handle feeling defenseless again?
Beth is right. Maybe relearning my triggers after all these years will help me be even stronger. Letting a few of those bricks fall when I'm around them can't hurt that much, right? I'll do it for the self-growth.
I need time, though.
Twenty-Eight
BLUE
After a few weeks of soul searching, I've decided some grovel encouragement couldn't hurt. There's been some light stalker tendencies from the guys lately, and I hate to say it, but it feels endearing.
Some part of me feels bad that I've been dodging them and only exchanging pleasantries when necessary, but I really needed time to think. Their flowers, discounted lattes, and packed meals for me at work have broken down some of the shaky walls around my heart.
I've spent all my free time when I'm not working studying for the security test next week and training with Levi. The girls and I have met up for a few brunches, but I've avoided my usual cycling classes. It's weird knowing my instructor is Jared's sister.
The front door slams.
Skipping into the kitchen with a furrowed brow, my cousin prepares to lay into me. "Ma," Violet scolds, crossing her arms over her chest, "you've been avoiding me."
Drumming my fingers on our kitchen table, I tuck my legs beneath me. Hmm, have I? If I'm honest with myself, then yes, I have been avoiding V when she's around.
