Page 21 of Petals of Blue: Part One
They all batter against the walls I've built around the memories of them. I had to spend the day at home yesterday, ignoring everyone and everything—not Violet of course—to force my head back on straight.
I allowed myself to feel the pain of their actionsagain.
Just because Felix threw Dale around on Monday and Declan got hurt doesn't mean they're worth thawing my heart for. Never again will they be worth my vulnerability.
I can't afford to go there with anyone. I'm busy trying to build the life I want, while giving Violet everything I can. Mysweet, sassy girl should never have had to grow up the way she did.
I'm ignoring the fact that the same could be said about me.
It's easier to focus on other people's pain than my own. Which is why I'm currently at the liquor store searching for Dakota's favorite wine. She broke up with her boyfriend this morning, so it's all hands on deck to mend our friend's broken heart.
Bethany's been cooking all morning, and Janine is already at Beth's house with ice cream.Cliché?You bet your ass. What better reason is there to eat yummy shit and give in to the tears adults have to force down every day than a breakup?
Blowing out a breath when I find the Chardonnay, I grab one. We'll need at least two and a bottle of vodka maybe. Shit, it's a Wednesday, though. Fuck it.
"Erica!"
"AH!" I startle. My twisted wrist spasms, making me drop the bottle.CRASH!"Shit!"
The wine shatters at my feet, and angry tears spring to my eyes. Manly exclamations of shock and apologies only serve to thicken the ball of frustration in my throat.
Why is he HERE?!
My God, why can't I catch a break? Seeing them so frequently in such a short amount of time is weakening me. I hate this. I hatethem!
Every time I see one of their faces or hear their voices, I remember all the nights I cried myself to sleep. Fear and sorrow were the only things keeping me warm. At seventeen, I was left alone in a world where older men shoved me around, threatened to steal my panties, and did their best to sneak into my bedroom at night.
With the short amount of time I've had to process their presence in my city, I've come to realize Jared, Declan, Roman, and Felix are a trigger. They're the embodiment of loneliness and fear for me.
"Erica? Shit, are you okay?"
Why is it that Jared's words hurt more than the silence he subjected me to back then?
That's not my name.
"Erica, look at me," Jared pleads as the whooshing in my ears begins to lessen.
That's not my fucking name.
"Christ, Erica, you're scaring me!"
Four times is enough. Jared just sent me over the motherfucking edge. "That's not my name!"
With my hands fisted at my sides, I refuse to look at the asshole who's making a hard day even harder. I'd rather look at spilled wine and shattered pieces of glass than at his face.
He may be an incredibly handsome man, but all his looks do for me is light a spark of hostility.
Silence lingers heavily until it's broken by the crunch of glass. "Blue...I'm sorry. Let's just get you out of the glass."
"I'll get a broom," someone informs us from down the aisle.
Two dark hands enter my line of sight, blocking the carnage beneath me. All I can picture when I look down at the broken bottle is how much it resembles what the four of them did to me.
"Go away," I whisper, fighting like hell to keep my voice from wobbling.
Annoyance boils in my gut. Not just with Jared but with myself. I'm a badass, and I know my fucking worth. Why am I still a blubbering mess when it comes to these guys eleven years later?
"Bee, you're in little sandals." His voice is strained. "Let me help you."
