Page 25 of Beauty and the Grease
“Can you change your own tire?”
I hold up lit tinder between my fingers. “I can make fire.” A wisp of wind extinguishes the tiny flame into smoke.
Ben laughs. “She coming to the company dinner?”
We didn’t part on the best terms last night. “I don’t know.”
“Well, if you don’t know, ask. What have you got to lose?”
CHAPTER 12
Jenny
I can’t believe I’m still at this yoga retreat I never signed up for. Outside, actually doing yoga. It’s as if something here has a hold on me.
After crying my eyes out to Gina and Ameriel at breakfast, they’d nudged me into the meditation room with calming music, soft mats, and incense.
“It’s a good chance to be alone with your thoughts,” Gina said, as if that’s something anyone wanted. Before I could argue, she hopped off with their group for a walk around the lake.
Which left me alone. With my thoughts. Reluctantly, I allowed my mind to settle on the question Ameriel had asked about my fears. I feared my business failing because it meant I was a failure. I’d already failed at so much. My art career, various jobs, marriage. If I failed at this new identity—business owner—I’d have nothing left. I would benothing but failure.
Alone with thoughts proved just as bad as expected. I gathered my things to head out, only the front desk offered me spa services on the house. They were seriously so nice here. I picked the second cheapest option and detoured to the spa for an hour and a half of bliss. Left a nice tip. Then I ran into Gina outside the spa, which led to now being at outdoor yoga.
The instructor walks us through breathing exercises. “Find an affirmation for yourself, such asI am worthy, I am whole. Then repeat.”
I can’t think of my own example, so I use hers. It feels like a lie.AmI worthy? Am I whole? Why do I think I’m not if my business fails?
I’m afraid to trust. I spend every waking moment at the shop, believing I am the glue that holds it all together. But what if there’s more glue out there so I’m not spread so thin?
“Did you just sayglue?” Gina whispers from her mat.
“Maybe,” I whisper-shout back. So I’m bad at meditation. So what.
I try believing I’m worthy and generally awesome as we stretch our arms over our heads. Why is this so hard? After my marriage ended, I was no longer a wife. Imagine looking in a mirror and feeling confused by who’s looking back. So I put on my artist identity, only selling my paintings didn’t bring me joy. I had a fine arts degree and no desire to pursuea career in art. Not only that, I stopped painting altogether. I didn’t plan to, but it happened.
I job hopped. I didn’t want to be defined by a man or by my painting. I climbed the ladder at the dealership, only to be left unsatisfied. Now I have a new identity: business owner. I’ve made it almost a whole year and nothing blew up. If I stop fearing failure, I might be able to hire help.
After yoga ends, a shadow crosses my patch of grass. It’s Chase. “Hey.”
I grab my towel and mat. “Hey.”
“How did today go?”
Teasing myself with this ruse that Chase and I could get our magic back is a joke. On me. “What is this, Chase? You aren’t interested in having a real conversation.” I feel empowered and energized by the emotional work I’ve done today. Gina says to own our energy so here I am owning it. Chase can go unplug somewhere if he doesn’t like it.
He throws up a hand in surrender. “I’m sorry. You asked questions that got to me and I took it personally. I want to apologize for leaving. I thought through things today and what you said helped me. A lot.”
“It did?”
“Yeah.” The sun showers his face with a gentle glow. He smells like a campfire, sending me back to when we’d pitched a tent on a friend’s private beach one summer. Our clothessmelled like smoke and sand and lake water in a way I’m not sure I could appreciate as much now. “I saved my job.”
Oh. “You saved…this job?” I glance to the golf bros slamming beers from a keg on the putting green.
“I know how you feel, but this is the job I need. I got to the root of it. It’s my kids. I really thought about it and it’s them. I’m here not because I’m afraid I can’t provide for them, but because I want to. This speaker today talked about mindset. I didn’t catch all of it, but the main point was changing how you look at a situation to frame it in a new way.”
Chase seems genuinely pumped at this revelation. “Well, that’s great. Congrats.” I find I’m standing taller, possibly from all the stretching. “I had a few breakthroughs myself.”
“Oh yeah? I’d love to hear about it. Can you still join me for dinner?”
