Page 23 of Beauty and the Grease
“If you failed, what else would happen?” Gina asks.
“I don’t know, I’d go bankrupt?Isn’t that bad enough?”
Ameriel places a hand over her heart. “When I find myself saying I can’t do something, there’s usually a deeper reason. The reason might be emotional, not rational. Our group has done a lot of emotional work together. Gina is coming from a good place.”
Well, I don’t feel good. I’m not familiar with the group therapy part of yoga retreats. I came here today for eggs.
But these women aren’t turning their nose up at me or switching the topic to where they dock their yacht. They seem to care.
“Why can’t you fail, Jenny?” Ameriel’s question is calm but direct.
And that’s when I burst into tears.
CHAPTER 11
Chase
I don’t see Jenny all morning. Hopefully, she uses the spa credits I left for her. I didn’t get her room number, but I gave her name at the front desk and asked that they contact her. It’s the least I can do after walking out on her last night. After all she’s done for me.
Still, she had no right to ask me those questions. She has no right to my life.
Is what I told myself last night. This morning is another story.
Focusing on the retreat is brutal. My mind continually goes back to what Jenny said.Why are you here? Your kids need you.Are you happy?I can’t shake the feeling deeper answers exist than I’m willing to dig for.
Meanwhile, we’ve gone through a morning session on strategic planning, followed by a break in a room full of portable massage chairs. Only Cliff corners me and drills me on an experience with a former client. When I give him thedetails, he doesn’t say thank you. Just walks away, right in time for a session on sales tactics by an outside speaker on Zoom. No massage chair for me.
The Zoom speaker mentions mindset and changing our framing. Sometimes it’s how we look at the world that causes the biggest change.
Which brings me back to Jenny’s questions. WhyamI here? For my family…well, for my kids. Lisa has entirely moved on. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s engaged by the end of the year. Maybe by the end of this weekend.
Lisa and I work better apart, co-parenting. We probably never should have tied the knot, but at least we got Emma and Owen.
Holding Jenny last night feltgood. I could be lying to myself, but I swear she felt a spark too.
Focus. Why am I here? This is a solid company. A good reputation. My parents recommended it—
My parents. They’re how I ended up here. They knew a now-retired executive who took a chance on me. Parent-approved job, parent-approved wife. It was supposed to equate to a parent-approved life, but things aren’t going so well.
But I’ve succeeded despite setbacks. And just because my marriage didn’t work out with Lisa doesn’t mean my folks steered me wrong. They wanted what’s best for me, and thisjob provides for my family. It’s miserable at times, but it provides.
I’ve socked away money in investment accounts for the kids. I drive an older car and rent a fairly average apartment so my money goes where it matters. I work all these hours to give them what they need.
Yeah, I miss most of my kids’ games. And I could never make those school programs in the middle of the work day. Lisa attended them, mostly, but she isn’t interested in their sports and doesn’t seem to care missing their games.
ButIcare.
Still, I’m at this retreat for my kids. I’m good at my job and I want what’s best formyfamily.
Thinking through my why is a good idea. If I can center my bottom line, I can put up with Cliff and not freak out when my personal plans get canceled for work. It’s part of the job.
“Chase? Anything to add?” Cliff stares me down from the front of the room. The speaker on Zoom is now a static screen with the company logo.
“All good over here,” I answer.
It’s the wrong answer. Cliff drills holes through my skull with his beady eyes. I try not to flinch. Fail. I flinch some more.
“Let’s talk at the break.”
