Page 261 of Jagged Souls
HER
My heart is in my throat, beating like a hummingbird’s wings. My palms are sweaty. Nausea sits hard in my belly. He isn’t going to know who I am – that’s a given.
But what if he cries when I hold him?
What if he turns away from me?
Worse, what if he somehow knows who I am and hates me for abandoning him? For cutting him out of me and then refusing to be his mother?
My body trembles. My feet grind to a halt, unable to take another step. Varius stops beside me, and he turns to me with a watchful eye.
“Do you want to see him tomorrow?” he asks, as he’s asked me multiple times before.
But I don’t want to say yes this time, like I have for the last week.
I mean, I do, but I don’t. I can’t. I am his mother. I want to be his mother. I don’t want to run from him anymore.
But I also don’t want to take another step.
I’ve failed him so much already.
What if I fail him as badly as I did our little girl?
I shake my head.I can do this.
I take another step.
And another.
And another.
Until I’m frozen outside the nursery door.
Turning on my heels, I flee.
It’s been two weeks of constant attempts. Of therapy and unwavering love and patience from my husband. I’m utterly exhausted though. My heart’s been beating too fast, and my thoughts have been racing even faster. I can’t stop thinking I’m betraying Bambi for loving another child. And I can’t stop hating myself for being a shitty, fucking mother to the child I do have. But then I hate Varius for being capable of doing what I am not. How can he love Nubian like Bambi never was? And then I hate myself even more because I know that isn’t fair. Varius feels her loss just like I do. He’s just coping differently; there is no right way to grieve.
Every minute, I struggle over this.
And every minute, I fight the urge to find some V.
To stop the torment raging inside of me.
It’ll help.
Just one little bottle to cope.
My body trembles from the aching of the need.
I want the pain to stop.
So get it over with. Just go see him.
My throat tightens. I look at the door to his room. Varius is standing beside me, as he has been for the last two weeks, waiting patiently. Never rushing. Never showing any signs of annoyance.
“Do you want to come back tomorrow?” he murmurs.
I shake my head.
