Page 149 of Jagged Souls
I think about all the kids I’ve saved. Think about all the ones I’ve found families for. I gave them a new identity, an investment account for when they turned eighteen – started with half of the money I was paid to kill them. I took jobs that gave me a reputation as a heartless bitch all so I could do some good as an assassin. And what have I done?
I’ve failed every single one of them.
I’m no different to the monsters I’ve tried to save them from.
I stumble to the bathroom, my hands out in front of me, wanting to get clean before Bear tries to come in and do it himself. I don’t want him touching me.
He shaved me…
Oh my gods.
All the times he’s shaved me, and I was too out of it to connect the dots.
I fall against the bathroom sink and heave again as tears run free. I want to throw up, throw out everything inside of me. To purge myself of the disease I’ve welcomed into my body. The V is no longer in my system, pulled out by magic, but its effects remain. The knowledge of all the choices I made to get high.
Trembling against the sink, my knuckles clenched tight, I still can’t help but want another dosage though. It’ll stop the pain of my thoughts. It’ll let me live with the monster I’ve become. It’ll let me hide from myself…
But I can’t.
I won’t.
Ican’t.
Please don’t make me,I beg my own body.
A body that isn’t mine anymore.
I can’t.
I can’t!
Please…
Shaking with need, I force myself to turn on the tap. I splash water on my face. Scrub at the vomit, then at my top layer of skin, trying to wash it all away.
But it doesn’t stop the craving.
It doesn’t stop the burning in my veins or the knowledge that this pain can all go away, disappear, be forgotten for at least a little while if I just. Get. High.
If I just sell a little bit more of my soul.
But what part of my soul is even left?
Surely, it won’t matter if that, too, is gone?
I already can’t come back from what I’ve done. So why bother trying to resist? Why let myself keep hurting? After all, how much further can I fall?
Dropping my head under the tap, I try to rinse out my mouth and my thoughts. I spit out the water, but the bad taste, the infection in my soul remains.
I just need a little V…
No.
No!
Please don’t.
Just a little taste.
