Page 115 of Jagged Souls
And set goals to keep your hope alive.
I’m going to see my family again.
But can I even face them like this? With all the disease rotting away inside of me? What if I infect them? Lou’s about to be a mother. She doesn’t need my trauma around her and the baby.
I press my hand to my stomach as a sob threatens to break free.
I want to feel my own baby inside of me.
I want Rafiki to still be growing there.
I want her to be born healthy.
I want a future with her and her father.
One where we’re all running around the house laughing or cuddling on the sofa with her in my arms and Varius’ arms around me. I wanted the chaos and the frustration and the love and the joy.
I just wanther.And I want him.
Fuck, I still want him.
Even though he took my eyes, I still want him to hold me. To break onto this boat and save me. As mad as I am at him and as much as I know there’s no fixing us anymore, my heart yearns for a different outcome. It mourns over the reality it’s in.
He chose to hurt me, and as much as I want to make excuses for him –he wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t been forced; he picked the same sense I would’ve because I need to be able to talk in this place, to win allies and gain intel; I would have done the same in his shoes, terrified Antonio would’ve taken his ears instead– I know I will never trust him not to hurt me again.
And a relationship cannot last without that.
Wiping away the tears, I force myself to think about my situation here rather than the one I am never going back to. If I can’t keep my head on my shoulders, I’ll break.
So I start to compartmentalize and set myself goals.
1. The biggest threat to me right now is V. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to get addicted if I’m being forced to take it every hour, but the outcome’s inevitable. So I need to convince them to fuck me in their human forms. Sadist, at least, will be easy. He can’t get hard if I’m willing, so I’ll make it “fun” for him. I’ll only fight him if there’s no V. The idea of engaging in “foreplay” with him makes me sick – not so much the pain and depravity he’ll inflict on me but the knowledge that I’ll be participating.Consentingin order to survive.
I scrub myself harder.
Force my thoughts to shift to the next goal.
2. I need to make allies. Sadist is out of the question, but there’s Sunny, as I’ve decided to call the guy who fed me due to his oh-so-sunny optimism, and Bear, the guy who couldn’t get hard at the school. The two of them might not help me escape, but I might be able to convince them to show me around the boat so I can learn its layout. I can also tease information out of them.
3. Eduardo is the only way on and off this super yacht. Teleportation magic uses a lot of energy, and he must be running on fumes given how much he has done recently – reviving me, cloaking the boat, healing himself and Sadist. Which means he and Antonio are going to be here for a while while he recovers… unless he’s taught Terra how to teleport. With his entire gang on the run, she’s probably here with us. Antonio will want to keep her close and safe.
So the other breeding women and Rudy might be here too…
I stiffen.Did he hear me scream? Did he hear me beg for their cocks?
My lips wobble.Does he hate me for being the reason he lost his hands, while I’m over hereenjoyingit?
He never should’ve tried to save me. Iamthe reason he is here, and by the gods, I will get him home.
Clenching the rag tight in my hand, I force it to glide across my face. I focus on the feel of it. On the rough cotton dragging across my lips. I ground myself in the now. I need to concentrate only on the present. On my goals. On staying alive long enough to go home.
Dayne will not stop coming for me. And Varius won’t give up on the brother he practically raised.
He won’t give up on you either,my heart whispers.
But even if I could forgive him for taking my eyes, why would he choose to stay with a tainted cripple like me? I’m disgusting. I’m broken. I’m dirty. I came on all their cocks… As soon as he realizes what I am, he’ll cut his losses. He’ll turn his back on me even if he still loves me, just like he did when he believed I betrayed him.
I cannot rely on him to come for me, so I won’t. Putting my faith in him again, just for him to break it will destroy me.
