Page 262 of Jagged Souls
Inhale deep.
Then I reach for the door and twist it open.
My breath lies frozen in my lungs as I force my legs to move on autopilot. I walk over to the crib he’s lying in. Sau stands from her chair, looking pale and hollow-cheeked. She saved our son at the risk of her own life.
“I didn’t know you didn’t know,” she says. “I thought you knew you were pregnant. I thought Antonio would’ve told you. If I had –”
“It’s okay,” I say.
“It’s not.”
She gathers me in her arms, and I take the moment to hug her back. To give myself a top up of strength before I walk those few feet to see my son.
The son I tried to kill.
“I’ve been where you are,” Sau whispers in my ear. “He will know his mother.”
I tremble in her arms. Squeeze her tight, and she returns it. Then she pushes me back, holding me at arm’s length. She leads me to the crib, then gives a little smile – one of encouragement. Of understanding.
Taking a deep breath, I look down, preparing myself to hear him cry as he looks at me. A rejection that I’d deserve.
But instead, his soft brown eyes widen.
And then my little boy smiles.
Eighty
HER
I hold Nubian in my arms as he feeds from me for the first time. Sau is here to guide me, her skin pale, her hands trembling with constant shakes.
I see his life, and I feel Bambi’s death. I experience his life goals, and I miss hers. The pain of her absence is still strong, and in the ghost of the night, I wonder if I can go into the Underworld and bring her back.
A fruitless hope.
I know this, but it doesn’t stop me from imagining it.
Of bringing her home so I can raise her with our son.
But I need to focus on the present, not the past, not the missing parts of the future.
Just the present. The here and now.
Because Nubian needs me.
And so does Varius.
Besides, Dayne would kick my ass if I let his sacrifice be for nothing.
So I will be the blooming flower, like the ones Leno left behind.
I will be the cracked vase that’s given a chance to be something new. An upscale project. A fix from some hippy recyclist.
And I’ll be the strength Rudy believed I was when he traded me for that little girl.
I will be strong enough for Nubian.
My little daydream goat.
