Page 254 of Jagged Souls
I cut myself off, not wanting to think about what I’ve done. Or why I did it.
Because he’s right. I’m not strong enough to face it.
I’m not capable of fighting this enemy.
I’m not who I used to be.
I’m weak.
I’m scared.
I’m fuckingterrifiedthat Antonio is still out there, and he will come for me.
He will come for me, and I won’t be strong enough to face him.
To fight him.
To stop myself from giving in if he offers me V.
I love Varius.
I love the Shadow brothers, and my sister. But I can’t seem to stop myself from hurting them.
So maybe I am better off with him.
Maybe they should’ve left me to rot on that yacht for eternity.
I slam my fist against my chest again, wanting it to stop beating. Wanting it to justcease.
“I’m nothing but a broken shell!” I say. My words crack and splinter apart like the rest of me. “So you tell me… you fucking tell me what part of me – what part of me…” My words are choking me, killing me. I’m so weak, even they are breaking me down. “Fucking survived!”I finally manage to spit out. Then I collapse back onto the sofa, sobbing too hard to speak.
And I hate that. I hate me. I hate that I can’t run from that truth anymore. Can’t bury it under smiles and laughter and a masked face that pretends it’s not screaming all the fucking time.
I hate myself.
I hate my tears.
And Ihatethat I am keeping Antonio alive inside of me. But I don’t even believe he’s gone. I want to see his body. I need to see his body. But I can’t. I can’t put that fear to rest. He will always haunt me. I’m never going to get better. I’m never going towantto get better because I need to be on edge. I need to be watching every fucking shadow and be ready to fight. I can’t take the time to heal. Ican’t.
Maddox rises slowly from his chair. I tense, so damn tuned for danger. He walks back and forth, and despite my tears, I clock him. Always aware. Fully prepared to explode into action if someone moves in a way that threatens me.
My tears start to slow as I focus on him more and more. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t moved in my direction. He could cover the distance easily now that he’s standing.
“You still have your heart, Micha,” he says firmly, making said heart pound. It bangs like a drum, giving me another thing to focus on other than the fear. “You still have your utter need to defend those you love.” He stops now, and I stare at him fully, no longer looking at him through side eyes of unease. A few tears still trickle down my cheeks, but the rest of them are caught in the dam at my throat. My pulse skitters, waiting for his next words, holding on to them like a lifeline to keep myself afloat in the sea of pain and bitterness rolling around inside of me.
“You have your compassion and your love of those you trust.” His voice softens as his eyes bore into mine. “They broke the outside of you, yes.”
My lips waver, feeling that loss, that black hole that’s consuming me.
“But they couldn’t touch yourcore. You were too strong for them because youarea survivor, Micha.”
I tremble as I stare at him. Looking into his eyes, I try to pull his opinion of me into my soul. Fill up that black hole. But the words feel too hollow. Just silly wishes born from rose-colored glasses.“I don’t want you to die for me, Micha. I want you to live for me. I want you to fuckinglive.”
How can Maddox claim I’m a survivor if I’m not even living? Sorrowful tears roll down my cheeks.
“You are still you,” Maddox says. “If you take a vase and you drop it, what’s it called?”
I flounder, not sure what he means.
