Page 235 of Jagged Souls
One by one, I cut them down, and now it’s only me who remains.
I’m not a victim.
I’m not a fucking victim.
“Fuck you, Dayne, for leaving me.”
I yank open the drawer again. Grab another bottle of V and raise it to my lips.
The door of the office bursts open. I try to tip the glass back further, but with a blur of movement, Varius grabs it from my hand and tosses it to the floor beside me. He picks me up before it can smash near my feet, then sits me on the desk and steps back.
“Fuck you!” I scream. Why’d he have to step back? I just want his arms around me. I want him to fuck me. I want him to replace the V. I want him to fuckingcare.
“This isn’t how you cope, Micha,” he says.
“What the fuck doyouknow about coping?” I snap. “You don’t talk! You don’t touch me. You pretend like nothing happened!”
“I have been trying to get you to go to therapy! I don’t touch you because –”
“I don’t need therapy!”I need you! I wantyou! I want my fucking husband, who I gave up so much of myself to save.
“Then why are you here?”
“What, you want me to kill myself?”
He rears back, then shakes his head. “No. Of course not. Fucking hel, Micha.”
My throat clogs as the tears build up behind my eyes.
“I meant here in this office, taking V, not stillhere. The fact that’s where your thoughts went first –”
He takes a step towards me, then stops. “You need help.”
I shove him back. “I don’t need fucking therapy.” I don’t need to talk about what happened. I need to forget it. I want to just forget it and move on. I have lost so many months to that helhole. Tohim.And I just want my life back. I wantmeback. How can I fucking get that if I have to confront all I did? If I have to relive it and share it and explain why the fuck Ididit?
“Talk to me,” he says. “Why do you want the V?”
I stiffen, hearing Antonio’s words.
But I see my husband’s face, and I try. “It’s just a fun drug,” I say.
“Micha –”
“I don’t know why you’re making a big fucking deal out of this!” I yell, unable to stomach Varius asking me like Antonio did. Trying tohealme like Antonio did. “You sell millions of dollars of this shit a year. Everyone else takes it.”
“Wedon’t,” he says. “My capos don’t. You –”
“Stop trying to control me!”
“I’m not! I’m trying to help you!”
“Then fuck me.”
“Micha –”
I grab at his pants, but he steps back. Because I disgust him. Because he looks at me, and he sees the monster I am.Little monster.He called it all that time ago. He looked into my soul and knew it wasrotten.
I am rotten.
