Page 98 of Free to Judge
Stumbling back to the front porch, I land on my ass. My head falls against the column. Maybe if I stay here, if I stay close enough, someone will take mercy on me. Either that or she’ll feel my presence and return. “I love you. I swear to God, I love you. I would never betray you. Please—don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on us.”
The two agents return to their car, obviously sensing I’m fresh out of entertainment and am not a threat to the house. Inside, Kalie’s lights stay consistent. There’s no trace of movement. I rest my head in my hands, feeling the night crush me from all sides.
I stay until the sun rises, chasing the last light in her house away. Until the sky turns the color of light blush meeting midnight.
Until I know there is nothing to gain by my being here.
She’s gone.
I never got a chance to apologize. Then again, did I deserve it? What reassurance did I give to her that I would mean it?
On shaking legs, I drag myself back to my car. Sliding inside, I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white from the lack of blood. That’s when tears flood my eyes and I can’t see. It takes a long while for me to blink them from my vision before I feel safe putting my car in gear.
After I regain a semblance of control, I drive away.
But I promise myself I’ll be back because there’s no way I’m giving up on her.
Or us.
Not ever.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
That night,I don’t know how I made it through. But I’m fairly certain it was being held by my father and being tucked in by my mother. Lying amid my old bedroom, it was an email I received from my mother in the middle of the night that both brought me comfort and shattered my composure.
My darling, Kalie.
I know exactly how you feel right now, and I won’t push you to talk about it.
When you’re ready, know that both your father and I are here for you. In my case, I’m not just able to speak as your mother, but as a woman who has endured a similar agony and heartbreak.
There was a time when I wasn’t sure I’d ever find my way back to our life here. As you know, I was convinced I wouldn’t. On my worst days, while you grew inside me, you became the only light that kept me going.
Let me be there for you when you need that voice to get you through the rough days. When you think you’re ready to come home—like your godfather was for me.
No matter where you go, we’ll always be your home. We’ll be here waiting, armed with all the love you could ever need.
Now. Always. Forever.
I love you, my baby.
Love,
Mama
Her words touched something deep within me, temporarily stemming the bleed on my heart. Her words reminded me of the bond we share as a family and how I needed to not close mine out when they were obviously so stunned on my behalf.
I knew it wouldn’t matter if it was the middle of the night. I pulled up our cousin’s chat after several hours of locking away the initial agony and found the fortitude to FaceTime Grace, Laura, Nic, and my sisters. After some initial grumbles about the late hour, I explained to them what had happened with Declan. I also let them know I was trying to figure out where to go to get a break.
It was Nic who came up with the solution and set about getting the plan in motion. She dropped the call, promising, “I’ll call him right now. I’m certain he’s still on set.”
Not long after, we wrapped with my solemn vow I’d have Mama let them know I was safe. All I really wanted was a few weeks of solitude to lick my wounds, but barring that, what I really needed was to pretend none of the last few months had ever occurred.
Not losing faith that Nic would get ahold of her brother, I forged ahead with my plans. Sometime after dawn, I called my godfather and his husband to stowaway on their corporate jet heading toward the Pacific Northwest that very day.
That’s when I received a thumbs-up from Nic.
Pulling up a contact known only to a precious few, my heart calms and my hands cease trembling. Then, my cousin Peter’s worldwide famous voice is a balm as it holds both fury and concern. “Kalie? What the fuck did this douche canoe do?”
