Page 49 of Perfect Order
A jagged line is placed in between our initials, and I whisper, “Beneath me lies half of my whole. Until I know for certain what happened to you, I can’t move forward.”
My phone beeps, letting me know the hour. I lean forward and press my lips against the ice-cold marble and whisper, “Merry Christmas, my Lee. I love you. Always.”
As I gather my sleeping bag and shove it into my bag, my insides are filled with sharp icicles because I know even if I were to hear the rest of what should be said at the end of that sentence, I’ll never believe it.
Love isn’t forever. It can’t be.
The next morning is dark instead of light. My mother ignores us, immediately splashing liquor into her coffee, while my father tries to ask me how I’m handling things in New York. When I respond, “Slowly,” she immediately whirls around and accuses, “Why? Now you have time for your sister you didn’t have before?” It shoves the knife of guilt even deeper.
“Mom, if Lee had let me know anything was wrong…” I begin.
“You’re twins,” she yells. “All your lives you had this ‘twin talk’ I could never understand. Yet, when it came down to it, you couldn’t save your sister? Instead, you just happened to be there in time to watch her die?”
I stumble backward. My eyes dart to my father’s, finding no accusation but no support. I get his lack of intervention on some level—he has a job to get my mother past her devastation. And me? Well, I have a job to find the order in something that has caused such devastation to our lives despite the fact we will never recover to be the same way we once were.
Pushing aside the gifts that were bought for me either before Lee died or were half-heartedly selected, I get to my feet and make my way to our old room, where I dumped my bag after I left the cemetery last night. Sitting in the middle of the space, I surround myself with the physical evidence of memories to sustain me long after I’m gone.Because it’s obvious I can’t stay.
Lee and I as babies, wrapped around each other in the same crib.
The two of us swimming together for the first time, trying to hold hands.
Running through the backyard. Falling down on the sweet-smelling grass.“All I wanted to do was be with you. Even when we were apart. What changed?” My voice is hoarse with unshed tears.
“You both grew up. It’s natural that your personalities developed, sweetheart.” My father’s voice is a balm.
“Mom’s right; I let Kylie down, Dad.”
“You did no such thing. Your mother is grieving. If anything, you’re going above and beyond to try to find answers. Leanne, look at me.” Just like the text from Beckett’s bodyguard, it’s having someone call me by my name that jolts me into action. I whirl around and face him. “What are you doing? I see her name everywhere.”
“I…” But before I can speak, he interrupts me. “You’re trying to find out who killed her. That’s why there’s been no retraction. That’s why you haven’t had a press conference taking Castor back over.”
I nod, able to give him this, believing it a gift. What I don’t expect is the explosion that erupts. “Are you fucking crazy, Leanne? She was murdered!”
“I can’t let it go, Dad! I can find out who killed her,” I shout back.
“With what? A little hacking here? A little dipping into people’s lives there? What is that going to do toyou—your life? Your business?”
“What does it matter?” I scream, shocking him. I fling out my arm. “Seeing my face just causes you both more pain.”
“No, Lee…” Then almost as if his mind acknowledges what he’s subconsciously called me, a ripple of agony destroys his composure.
For long moments, there are no words. The only movement is the flickering of holiday lights from the neighbor’s house across the street. Suddenly, fiercely, I’m glad they strung them up. “She deserves to have her killer caught.”
“So, what? You’re giving up your life to finding out what happened to your sister? In your heart, do you think Lee wants you to do that? Do you think in your heart your mother wants you to?”
Without hesitation, I answer, “Yes.”
“No. All we’ll have will be different answers. We still won’t have her back.”
“But we’ll have closure, Dad. And from there, maybe she can find a way.”
“Leanne, don’t do this. You can’t possibly know how dangerous the game you’re playing is,” he tries to warn me.
I open my mouth to tell him about the attempts that have been made on my life already—that the accident the week Lee died wasn’t merely that—but close it when I see how haggard his face is, how the strain of the last few weeks has aged him.
For long moments, we stare at each other before I nod, breaking the eye contact. “Is there anything I can do for you before I go?”
His harsh sigh fills the room. “Why did I know you were going to say that?”
