Page 56 of Perfect Order
“Leanne,” I warn.
Nighty nightpops up on my phone’s text message. I flip over to Settings and see I haven’t unblocked her number. “I guess she took care of working around that little problem.” I wheeze out a shaky laugh.
Leaning back in my chair, I realize how completely over my head I really am. Truth be told, I’m not certain if it’s excitement or fear that causes my heart to pound when I come to the conclusion she’ll be back.
I just don’t know when.
It’s Erzulie’s twenty-sixth birthday. I suppose I should make some smart-ass comment on the obvious fact she ran to the local baker picking up a dessert to dine at home, but it just seems wrong in light of what happened to her.
Try to have a happy one. If you can.
— Moore You Want
“Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday, my sweet twin, happy birthday to us.” I whisper the song as I sit on the floor of her condo, a single candle burning amid the circle of twenty-five of them around me. I scoured her place to find just enough. And since not a single one would fit on the small cupcake I bought to celebrate with my sister, they’re just setting off enough light to make me believe it’s possible Lee’s going to walk in the door any minute with her boisterous laughter, asking me, “What the hell are you doing?”
God, I wish that were the case.
“There’s not enough space in my heart for this pain, Lee,” I whisper in a hush. All day long, Lee’s cell pinged with good wishes mingled with concern. My secure phone had a single text that made me want to drop it off Lee’s tenth-floor balcony.Another day, another year. Keep moving and it won’t hurt as much.But at least my boss acknowledged the date in his way.
My personal cell sat still and quiet. Nothing. Not a peep from my parents, but they’re likely pissed I didn’t make the drive to New Hampshire. After the debacle at Christmas, that’s the last thing I would do. I tried to explain that to my father the other day, and he simply hung up the phone.
“God, Lee, there are some days the pain I feel is killing me. I’ve done everything I can think of to solve this, and all the signs are pointing to one of two things—a random insanity or me.” My breath shudders in my chest. “What if I got you killed? It’s too late to hide things from you now. You suspected before, but despite your best attempts, I’m certain you’re in Heaven, causing a riot.”
I reach forward and trail a finger through the mounds of buttercream frosting. The idea of tasting it makes me nauseous, but Lee would expect it. I pop my finger in my mouth and suck down the sweet cream cheese flavor. Knowing I have to, I lift the carrot cake to my lips and take a small nibble. Afraid if I taste much more, I’ll be sick, I set the cupcake back down. Gasping for breath, I manage to control the rush of emotions to hiss, “You know now. You know who I am, what I’ve been doing. There was so much careful planning that went into constructing my cover—the prodigy hacker. But how could I say no, Lee? How could I turn my back on helping to save lives—particularly when I was shown evidence that me, you, Mom, and Dad were already on people’s radars? What was I supposed to do? Let one of you be kidnapped with no protection? No one to turn to if shit hit the fan?” I scrub my face against my knees. “And look what happened. Was I not careful enough? Did I make a mistake? Not cover my tracks? Did I get too arrogant?”
A rush of wind flows through her condo from the cold January air, threatening the light of the candles. “I know, talk about arrogance. It could easily have been you. But I’ve had your ‘bus’ list checked out. Let me assure you, if I’d known Sebastian Tim had pawed you, we’d have exposed him much sooner. Oh, didn’t think I’d find that out?” I tell my twin sweetly. “Asshole recorded everything. I enjoyed going through his drive. I dropped a copy of all his videos on his boss’s work cloud. Consider that a birthday gift.”
The breeze rushes through again. I imagine it’s Lee’s laughter.
“As for Snowy-T, well, there’s not enough words for the way he’s a complete douchebag. I had a hard time preventing my eyes from bugging out. And, well, someone ended up drugging me.” I feel the same sickness that crawled up over me the next day begin as panic begins to surge. “My training included the ability to resist most drugs, Lee. That was another attempt to kill you, me, us. Damnit, which is it? Who is it?” I shout.
Forcing myself to calm down because this isn’t what we’re supposed to be talking about on our birthday, I change the topic. “I don’t know how you deal with Beckett Miller. He’s an interfering goat.”
I can practically hear Lee roaring with laughter. “No, you don’t get it. He has a daddy complex. He lectured me worse than the time we borrowed Dad’s car for going to Mackie’s party. Then again, that might have to do with the fact my handler cloned my phone and texted Beckett to get me out of there. And, of course, StellaNova got a picture of the whole debacle. Not your boy’s best look. But now he sees it as his mission to drag me from my sadness. Doesn’t he realize that’s never going to happen?” The last is whispered but no less heartfelt.
To stop myself from drowning in tears, I jam my fingers back into the cream cheese icing and shove them in my mouth. “Secrets are dark and dangerous, which is why I never shared I had any. Even when I couldn’t tell you what I really did, you always had this certain look you used to give me when I talked about Castor. I loved it because you alone understood me. I knew it without words. There will never be another person who will measure up.”
At that a gust of wind comes in and blows out all the candles except one. I give a watery laugh. “Time to make a wish? Okay, Lee. Here goes.”
I want Lee’s death to stop shadowing my dreams,I think fervently. Then I lean over and blow out the last candle. Standing up, I move over to the double doors leading to the veranda, and I’m hit with a blast of cold air quite unlike the others. “Well, what did you expect me to ask for? To fall in love? To have a happily ever after? Christ, Lee. How am I supposed to live with myself if I can’t figure out who did this to you?”
And on that, I shut the doors on the first birthday I’ve spent without my twin.
The next night, I tell Kane about what I did to celebrate while he’s reviewing a contract that’s about four layers deep. Part of me feels a little bad, but he’d need access to a classified proposal system to read the actual agreement. The placeholder agreement he’s struggling through has enough legalese and references to confuse the average person seven different ways from Sunday.No, I just miss everything about her. For five minutes with her, I do anything. I’d take the good, the bad, the annoying.
I understand that all too well. There are so many unanswered questions because of the suddenness of his death,he replies.
Yes! There’s times I feel like I’ll just walk through her door and I expect her to look up from the couch. Or my phone to ring.
The key logger captures words as he types and then backspaces them. And my heart melts a little as he struggles with trying to find the right words to comfort me. This is a good man—Captain Kane McCullough.
I quickly send a text using my phone.He was completely screwed over.
Seconds later, I get one back.Agreed, Q?za.
I hesitate for a moment before typing,Make certain he’s okay if something happens.
Q?za…
