Page 86 of Ripple Effect
“Why? Because he’s from Cal?”
Hesitating, I sit back down on the couch before I reach for the puppy. Stroking its silky fur, I admit, “If I accept the puppy, I’ll weaken more. I’m already feeling pressure to hear him out. And Josh, God. I don’t know if I can sit there and listen to all the reasons why I’m at fault for our marriage not being enough—why he sought out another woman.”
“After all this, you still don’t believe him?” I shake my head no. Josh sighs. “Then tell me, why do you think he’s going to say it was your fault? Why do you think you weren’t enough?”
Still holding another of Cal’s peace offerings, I wander to the window. “He was my world, and I think I was only his distraction. The last few months have forced me to replay nearly seven years of memories, reliving every moment. And the tragedy is we spent more time apart than together in those years.”
“That doesn’t bode well for any marriage,” Josh agrees.
“No.” I admit something I haven’t said out loud to anyone. “I replayed our wedding ceremony the other day. Talk about an act of pure torture.” Josh just shakes his head at me. I shrug and continue. “He never promised me fidelity. So, was Iris the first or only the one I caught him with? How am I supposed to trust him again?” I laugh bitterly.
Josh is silent as I release some of my pain. “If I told you I talked with Sam and I have a better idea of what’s going on, how upset would you be?”
“At you?” He nods. “Not very. In the end, it’s not going to matter. My life with Cal has been nothing but a lie. While a single event may be what pulled the thread, what is there to hold our lives from completely unraveling? What happened kicked my ass and broke me, but it opened my eyes to the fact that I have a life based on very little substance. I need to find where the core of that is and build off of that.”
Josh goes to open his mouth to speak, but I stall him with a hand. “Since you know more than I do right now, would you be able to forgive your spouse with pretty words?”
“No, but maybe those words lead to some very necessary ones,” he retorts.
I cede the point. “I’ll make you a deal.”
“What’s that?”
Looking down at the sleeping ball of golden fuzz in my arms, I say, “I’ll have my lawyer hold off sending the next round of papers. I’ll agree to sit down and talk with Cal when I get back from my vacation if you agree to potty train this gift. I’m leaving the country in three days; I can’t handle all of this beforehand. So, it’s either going back to Cal or you train it.”
“Deal. I’ll train it,” he agrees immediately, surprising me. Moving next to me, Josh whispers, “Do you want to save your marriage, Libby?”
I’ve asked myself this question a million times. “How do I save a marriage based on lies?” I ask him simply. “All I can do is try to save what’s left of my heart.”
He nods, neither judging nor berating. “Do you still love him?”
Leaning against my brother, I vocalize something I’ve only admitted to myself—well, and to Nonna when I’ve visited her grave. “I don’t think there will ever be a breath I take where I don’t love Calhoun Sullivan. But loving someone and losing them over and over to a fight you never knew you were in? Well, I’m not sure if I can do that anymore.”
I move to shift away, but he stops me. “I don’t think you’ve lost, Libby. I think you won without even trying.”
“But what did I win, Josh?” I face the window again.
Josh comes to stand next to me. “Do you remember when we’d skip rocks across the water?”
A light laugh escapes. “You’d skip rocks. Mine would just plunk down into the water and cause ripples to happen.”
He grins. “You always did suck at it.”
I nudge him with my shoulder. “Thanks a lot.”
“But your lack of throwing skills isn’t why I brought it up.”
“Why did you, then?”
“Because eventually you learned to drop your rock with perfect timing. Right after I skipped my rock. You always said the ripple effect of your rock changed the path of mine.” Josh turns, takes my shoulders in his hands, and says seriously, “You were right.”
“What’s your point?” Frustration is evident in my voice. The puppy in my arms begins to stir. I soothe it gently.
Josh waits until I’m done before he says, “It’s up to Cal to explain, but let’s just say, you’ve caused a shock wave to his path.”
I scoff. “Right. If I was so important, then explain to me how…”
Josh shakes his head. “I don’t know. I just know that you have to talk with him. You can’t make a decision this absolute without speaking with him first. You have to know, Libby. And isn’t knowing better than wondering?”
