Page 108 of Ripple Effect
Either way you’re at the mercy of the waves.
Today, I would gladly drown for having experienced it at all again with a man like Cal. And yet, even under the onslaught of pain racking my body, I don’t have regrets.
I want my last memory to be the fierceness of his eyes from the first moment I saw him to the last when he was begging me to listen and all the moments in between when he talked about the love he had for his job, his colleagues—and now that I’ve had nothing to do but think about where we went wrong, for me.
The freezing water drags me under ceaselessly since I don’t have the use of my arms. The silver dress, which I was so desperate to hang on to in the Titan Bar, now makes me wish I could strip it off. Even if it’s a millisecond more, it might help me to survive.
I just want another moment to live so I can apologize for my mistakes. Even if it’s only in my heart, I pray my words are heard.
I wish I was stronger, but I feel so exhausted.
I stop fighting the current, and I use the last bit of my strength to conjure the image of Cal I’ve been carrying in my mind, knowing it’s the last time I’ll see him.
Too bad he’s yelling at me to fight. A weak tip of my lips lets in salt water I don’t bother to spit out.
I know despite everything, I will always be Cal’s. Oh, how I wish I’d have picked up that call before I boarded that plane for Spain. I content myself as I drift downward with recalling his voice the first time he told me, “I will always be yours.”
Now, as my heart is ready to burst, or maybe that’s my lungs, I send up one final prayer.I love you, Cal. Be happy. Whether that’s with Iris or with someone else. Find your forever.
My eyes flutter shut just as Cal appears in front of me. Magnificent. But I know I can’t be headed to heaven; God wouldn’t be so cruel as to remind me for eternity of the beauty I threw away because I wouldn’t listen.
My last conscious thought before the black engulfs me isI will always be yours.
* * *
I wakeup feeling like I’m choking on salt water and blood. I expect the whiz of the bullets to whiz by my head.
Did I dream it all? My hand twitches against my bare leg. I feel an icy wetness. No, my plunge into the Atlantic happened.
I’m just reaching out to feel something attached to my arm when I hear the unexpected.
An American voice.
“Mrs. Sullivan, my name is Jessica Fields. I’m the ship’s doctor on the USSLassen. Can you hear me?”
I try to speak, but my voice is shredded from the lack of moisture and the screams. All I can manage is a hoarse “Yes.”
Is it possible I’m not dreaming? Tears start to well. I know if they fall and it’s a dream, I’ll soon be ripped from my mind to pay for them.
A comforting hand squeezes the one that’s just only bruised and maybe not broken. “Cry, Elizabeth. It’s safe to cry now.”
So I do, for a long time. There are other people in the room—men, women, I don’t know which and I don’t care. I focus solely on her gentle hand holding mine and ignore everything else, which includes cutting off the shredded silver sequined dress I’ve been wearing—has it been days?—still on my body. My plunge into the water washed away the foulest of the stenches, but I’m still wiped down with antiseptic cloths before a gentle, but necessary, physical exam is conducted. Dr. Fields reassures me throughout, keeping me calm with a low conversation that ends up with me in some more tears.
“I think I knew the exact moment when it happened,” I whisper. I can’t see her as she slips off her gloves, but I hear the snap. Dr. Fields is at my side instantly.
“You were aware you were pregnant?” she asks me quietly.
I nod, even knowing I can now set Cal free—truly free. I wanted this part of him to love forever. And knowing that last part of our love was killed for what? For greed? I dissolve in another round of tears.
“I have to get more fluid into you, Mrs. Sullivan. Can you drink anything?” Feeling my shudder, she squeezes my hand before making some quick notes on her chart. “Are you allergic to any anesthetics?”
I shake my head, but— “I won’t be knocked out. Not after…” I shudder as vivid images of what I just lived through flash through my mind.
“We can numb you using twilight…” Dr. Fields begins, but I adamantly shake my head.
“No.”
“Eliza—”
