Page 31 of Close Match
“Char, if we do this, we’re inviting a child I had with another woman into our lives.”
“Ev, if we don’t, I might not have you in mine,” she whispers.
And there it is. My mother wouldn’t care if Ev had had an affair at one point and this child was the result. Her love for him is so strong, she’d be willing to sacrifice anything to save him. I turn my back to them to give them a few moments of privacy. Even as I move to the big windows overlooking the barn, I can hear whispers though I can’t make out the words. I’m dying to ask someone to investigate the hell out of this woman before Ev risks everything.
But I made a promise. Bracing my arm against the windowsill, I lean against it and let out a long breath. In so many ways, this is wrong. For Ev, for my mother, hell, even for the unknown Lynn. She’s about to meet her father after suffering her own tragedy, and then she’s going to be propositioned for bone marrow like she’s a pharmaceutical rep. I’m dragged back into the conversation when I hear him say, “…meet in person.”
“What the hell, Ev?” I turn around and send him a glare. He meets it head-on.
“I think Lynn deserves to meet her father. At least once.”
“So, you’re going to bring her here? To the farm?” I’m incredulous.
“Give me a little more credit than that. I thought we could meet on neutral grounds. Maybe DC? She could take the shuttle down, we’ll meet for lunch, and then she could head back to New York,” he adds.
Christ. This is getting complicated. “When do you want to set this up?”
“I don’t know.” He rubs his hand across his forehead. “I suppose a lot of that depends on her. I don’t know her, Monty. Yes, she’s my daughter, but what if all she wants is what her first email said? What if all she wants is information to check a box in her orderly life? What if she has no desire actually to meet me?”
“Why do you want to meet her?” I ask him quietly. “You don’t need to, you know.” I read that plenty of donors don’t.
His jaw falls open as if to ask me,Are you stupid?“She’s my daughter. If for some reason this doesn’t work, I don’t want regrets. I need to know what she looks like, what her touch feels like, who she is. It’s consuming me.” His shaking hand reaches for the glass of tea next to him.
I stand and walk back over toward them. “Are you sure this is what you really want?”
Ev lets out a gush of air. “Someday, I hope you understand the beauty and hell of raising a child—the deep-seated pride at their every accomplishment and the depthless agony when they’re hurting. It makes all of this”—he lifts his arm holding the glass to encompass the room—“seem worthless by comparison. Now, I just found out I have another one out there who I didn’t know existed? Who by chance and sheer desperation on my part I managed to find? Of course I want to meet her. Yes, there is some tiny hope she might be the answers to all our prayers, but I know nothing about that. As her last living parent, I’d do anything to be the answer to hers.” He lifts the glass to his lips and drains it, causing the ice to rattle around inside.
Astonished by the vehemence in his words, I deflate. I never thought Ev was seeking out my assistance because he had unfathomable regrets towards a daughter who he just found right at what might be the end of his life. My eyes dart around the room as I try to order my thoughts. On the shelf behind Ev’s desk is a picture of Mom, Ev, and me taken the day they got married. Down a few inches to the left is a gag mug I got him for Father’s Day years ago that says, “Dad Joke, Loading…please wait” in deference to his love of all things computer. Then there’s a picture of just the two of us Mom captured of us riding when I was home on leave where we’re both laughing. But as much as I know he loves me, and I love him—God, do I love him—I can’t be the biological child he must be craving.
And I can’t save his life like she might be able to.
“I don’t think,” I slowly begin. Ev’s eyes cut over to me. “That she’s going to necessarily drop everything, jump on a plane, and race down here. She’s going to be wary, suspicious. Unless something changes quicker than we expect, you’ve got some time. You need to establish a relationship with her, Ev. It’s going to chafe at you, but the way I see it is that either I pull in my markers, or you hire a firm to investigate her, or…”
“Or I put in the effort to get to know my daughter? I don’t push this like I would have a boardroom decision?”
“Pretty much,” I tell him bluntly. It’s not what he wants to hear, but it’s the truth.
“There are so many things I still want to share with you.” His voice is rich with emotion.
“Me?” I’m confused. We were talking about his daughter. But at Ev’s nod, my head begins to spin. He stands up from behind his desk and walks around to lean against the front of it.
“Yes. I want you to be happy again. Being home has been good for you. I’m starting to see you heal from whatever it is that’s hurt you, but I want to see you happy.” He leans down and claps my shoulder. “It’s a father’s prerogative.”
“Ev.” Just his name and even then, I can barely get the words out. I shake my head as I try to find more, but he goes on.
“I want to watch you fall in love. I want to hold your children from the moment they’re born and give them what I couldn’t give to you which is every moment of my time from the first second they open their eyes. If there’s any gift that I could give you, it would be more time.”
I can’t blink fast enough to stop the tears. “Why are you saying all of this now?”
“Because if I can’t, if I never get the chance, I want you to know it’s been my privilege to be your father all of these years, Montague. Just because I need to settle this part of my life, doesn’t mean I regret one minute of my past.” Letting go of my shoulder, he moves back behind his desk. He picks up his drink and takes a hefty swallow, staring immobile at the screen in front of him.
I stare out the wall of windows and into the inky darkness. If I were outside, I’d be able to see the stars glittering down like little jewels on the horses as they rest in the paddock. Even though I’m not out there, it’s enough to know they are. They always will be.
Kind of like my love for the man in this room. It just is. Nothing will change that.
“Ev, I think you need to tell her how you met her mother. Even if she knows the story from her perspective, she should hear it from yours. There are things you likely remember that her mother didn’t write down. Complete the image in her head. Tell her what a day is like for you here. Ask her what a day is like for her in New York.” I turn and find him regarding me thoughtfully. “Be you but don’t give away your identity just yet, if you know what I mean.”
“I do.”
