Page 88 of Free to Live
I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she understands I plan on going to my grave with her name being the one that crosses my lips.
47
Holly
“What are you so nervous about?” Joe asks as he reaches for my hand. Hours later after he’s explored every inch of my body, we’re headed to pick Grace up at school. I can’t stop my leg from bouncing in the seat next to him. “It’s not like she’s going to take one look at us and tell all her little friends, ‘Daddy and my Holly were k-i-s-s-i-n-g,’” he mocks me slightly.
I glare at him, even if he doesn’t get the full impact since his eyes are on the road. “No, but Ali might be there,” I remind him. “And my sister is a hell of a lot more astute than you give her credit for.”
“Hols, if it were up to me, I’d rent a billboard on Route 7 and announce that you’re mine.” I freeze at his words.
“Really?” I whisper. “What about…” My voice trails off.
“What about what?”
I hesitate to bring them up, but we were a little distracted earlier. “Seth and Eden?” I say hesitantly.
There’s a heavy silence that descends in the cab of the Explorer. Joe’s knuckles turn white on the steering wheel, he’s gripping it so hard. Damn.
“They don’t have a place in my life, Holly, nor in Grace’s.”
I’m confused. “Then why were you…”
“Because they threatened your family.” I suck in a breath at the bitterness in Joe’s words. “I couldn’t let anything happen to you.”
“Joe,” I whisper achingly. “You were trying to protect me?”
He pulls up to a stoplight and faces me. “During lunch that day, I had it all planned out. I was going to see if you still were interested in perma-single status or if there was someone who might be able to change your mind.”
My hand is shaking when I raise it to my mouth.
“But then I screwed up,” he continues matter-of-factly.
“We both screwed up. I was so consumed with the fact you didn’t want me,” I say achingly.
He shakes his head. “Not want you.” The light turns green. “At first I relished our friendship, Hols. It really was just that.” Glancing over, he catches my nod. “But as I said, it began changing. How I began to feel was like there were no limits, no rules. I think for the first time in years, what I felt was hope.”
My throat goes tight because what Joe’s saying is exactly what I’ve been feeling. “Me too,” I whisper.
“Were you going to say anything?”
And that’s when I have to take a deep breath and possibly break his heart. “No.”
He’s silent until we pull into the parking lot of Grace’s school. Putting the car in park, he turns to face me. “Why not?”
I tug my lip between my teeth. Just as quickly, his hand comes out and pulls it out. Quirking his lips in a half smile, he says, “I want to be able to kiss those lips later.”
Shocked, I blurt out, “But Grace will be there!”
He leans forward and tugs the back of my neck, pulling me close so the only thing I see is his dark eyes. “Tell me why you weren’t going to say anything,” he demands.
“Because I was afraid of telling you what I was.”
“Why?”
“I was afraid of exactly what happened last night. I knew I wasn’t good enough—clean enough—for you, for Grace. Hope was all I had. As long as I kept it alive, then it was enough to live on. When that started to go away, I thought I was going to die from the pain,” I whisper helplessly. “I never realized you could actually be alive and still be dying until I saw you with someone else.”
His eyes close in pain. “I swear I never meant to hurt you…”
