Page 71 of Free to Live
My cell immediately started ringing. Without glancing at the display, I just knew it was Joe calling. I wish I could have been stronger and answered, but I just couldn’t. I helped him move on from his grief, but who was going to help me move on from mine?
I thought the loss of my life the first time hurt when I was fifteen, and I knew I would never be able to earn love. I was wrong. It hurt worse when the possibility was put in front of me and then taken away.
So instead, I reached into my purse and flicked the switch to Silent. I pulled up photos from a wedding I shot last week. With a quick email to Megan to let her know I was going to work on this particular file, I got to work.
Hours later, I’m blurry-eyed and not just from having stared at the computer for so long. It will take time, but I’ll make it through this. Sitting back, I stretch, feeling the pain in my back and neck. They temporarily erase the one that’s taken residence in my heart. My lashes flutter shut, the thickness of them trapping the tears against my cheek.
“I know I don’t have the right to ask for anything; I’ve been given so much after what I’ve done. But can you please help the pain stop? Just help me,” I whisper to anyone listening. “I just need to go back to the way it was before I knew I wasn’t enough.”
And quietly in my office, I let go of the torrent of tears I’ve been holding in since I realized I had feelings, let alone knowing they never had a chance at being returned. I cried for a good man who lost his life trying to rescue another being. And damned if I don’t cry for a young mother who lost hers too soon because if she were still alive, I’d never be feeling this pain to begin with.
39
Joseph
“Joe, could you come in here for a minute?” My father calls me into his office. Before I can respond, he turns and walks away.
Brett goes to open his mouth, but I hold up a hand. “Don’t okay? Just don’t.” I’ve lost the capacity for laughter somewhere between Justin’s death, kissing Holly, and realizing she walked away after the funeral without getting a chance to talk with her. Fuck, nothing’s gone right between us since that day I ran into Eden and Seth. I should have listened to Matt. I should have talked to Holly and let her in. I don’t know why I didn’t except for a misplaced pride and lingering heartache of the things I’ve still never dealt with.
Standing at Justin’s graveside, I was assaulted by memories. My friend. My brother. My partner. The wisdom he gave me right before he saved me echoes through my mind and my heart.
But how in the hell do I fix this mess?
If it wasn’t for Grace, I know a smile wouldn’t have crossed my face in the last eight days. Because that’s how long it’s been since I stayed at Holly’s. That’s the night I completely fucked up everything by giving in to the urge to kiss her.
That’s the night I lost her.
The pain is different than when I lost Mary, but God, does it hurt. It hurts so much, I don’t know how I’m putting one foot in front of the other to make my way into my father’s office.
Crossing over the threshold, he quietly asks, “Close the door, son.” Realizing this isn’t a discussion between a chief and his employee, but a father to his son chat, my shoulders slump a bit before I do as he asks.
Dropping into one of his visitor chairs, I look out the window down toward Main Street. If I try hard, I can make out the rooftop where Amaryllis Events is housed. I tried to call and text her so many times. If she’d just let me explain, maybe I could find a way for us to go back to…something.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Joey,” my pops says softly. “I haven’t seen you like this since…”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Since Mary died? It’s entirely different, but tell that to my heart. Right now, it feels an awful lot like it.” Not having Holly to talk with every day is reopening the void in my chest that’s been sealed for so long with laughter, warmth, and love.
“I know Justin’s loss must bring a lot of it back,” my father starts. I blink.
“Justin hurts, Pop, God, does it hurt.” My head drops to my knees. “He saved my life by pushing me forward.”
“I know, son.”
“I have so much guilt eating away at me.”
My father stills. “Why?”
“Because…” I shove to my feet and stand in front of the window. “I screwed up, Pop,” I admit. “I let Eden and Seth get to me.”
Starting back at the altercation at The Coffee Shop, I explain how I was confronted by Mary’s parents. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with how Holly’s been forcing space between us. I tell my father about how I’m almost certain Holly misinterpreting seeing me with Melissa started all of this confusion. I bow my head when I whisper, “I miss her. I’ve barely been able to get through to her. She agrees to plans and then at the last minute, something comes up and she cancels. Except the night Justin died I went to her and she…she let me in. She was there for me all the way—better than before. Then I fucked it all up all over again.” Wearily, I run my hand through my hair and meet my father’s eyes.
“What did you do?” he asks quietly.
“I…”
“Joe.” His voice holds a note of warning that lets me know just like when I was a little kid I’m not about to escape his question.
“I…I kissed her. And ever since, I can’t get close enough to make things right.”
