Page 2 of Free to Live
“No, but if you’re tryin’ to keep the police chief happy. After all, he’s wanted her for a long time…” The police chief? Oh, God. Desperation starts to seep into my soul. And what kind of training do they mean?
“Boyd can do whatever he wants to do in whatever hole he wants so long as I get paid and he looks the other way,” my father says stoutly. “You’ll just have to fix ’er up if she can’t take it.”
“That’s fine, baby. I don’t want your best customer complainin’ is all. I’m just used to how rough he can get,” she purrs.
“Don’t care if Noelle’s bleedin’ or not. That girl’s cost me good money over the years. She takes Boyd as her first customer tomorrow night or I’ll find some other way to deal with her,” my father tells Maria.
“Fine,” she agrees.
“I’ll go let him know.” There’re footsteps before the front door opens and closes.
It’s eight p.m. I have less than twenty-four hours to figure out how to escape. Obviously, I can’t go to the police, who were my last hope. Shouldn’t I be able to go to them? But I guess a girl like me isn’t worthy of being saved.
Or loved.
Footsteps approaching my door taunt me. I scuttle to the corner in fear. “Better enjoy your last night of sleep, little girl. It all ends tomorrow.” As she walks back down the corner, Maria’s vicious laugh comes through the door.
I wish I could feel pain so I could feel fear, but I’ve lived with both for so long, I’m numb. I’m numb to everything.
Even life.
Reaching up, I feel the braid in my hair and it hits me. Like my Mama, I can be free. I can escape.
Permanently.
There’s nothing I can do tonight, but tomorrow. I look out the window and see the moon reflect over the swamp in the back of the trailer.
I’ll never see the moon rise from this room again.
* * *
I sneakhome during the middle of the school day knowing my father will be passed out drunk or high, Maria the same. All I need to do is get my hands on his .22. The gun is always kept loaded. A warning and a blessing.
At least right now it is.
As I expected, he’s on the couch in the family room. I mentally gag at the irony—some family. I slip into their room; Maria lies on top of the bed still naked from taking another man for my father. Some man’s cum is drying on the inside of her thighs. I slow my movements; the beat of my heart evens out. I carefully open his nightstand, and it lies on top for me, the flat, matte metal.
Lifting his gun, I’m surprised it weighs more in my hands than I guessed it would. Ruthlessly, I push that thought out of my mind. It doesn’t matter what it feels like in my hands.
Soon I’ll feel nothing.
One shot will do.
Then all the fear, all my torment, will be over.
I close the drawer harder than I intended. My eyes fly over to the bed, but Maria is still out. The breath rushes out of me. Resolutely, I walk through the still-open door of their bedroom. I pass the couch where my father lies with one leg hanging off, years of waste showing in his gaunt face and in the gut that hangs over his pants even in slumber. If it weren’t for my thick red hair, I’d wonder if my poor mother wasn’t knocked up by some john he forced her to take in her short life.
Moving into my bedroom, I wonder if I should leave a note. I have a few people I might call friends at school, but ultimately I’m nothing special. Life will continue to revolve in much the same manner after I’m gone.
It says a lot when I feel no heartache because I know if I live another day, the avalanche of pain will outweigh the nominal amount of pleasure I find in life.
Enough!my mind screams.Just do it!Fumbling, I cock the gun the way I’ve seen my father do before. Heart hammering, I turn it so I’m staring down into the hypnotizing depth of the obsidian barrel.
Nothing and everything waits for me on the other side. I start to squeeze the trigger, but my hand is shoved away.
God, why can’t I just escape this nightmare?I turn and Maria’s furious eyes meet mine.
“You think it’s that easy to escape?” Her bitter laugh is loud and bounces off the walls of my small room. “There is no out. Just accept this is your life.”
