Page 93 of Free to Believe
Dropping my chin on her shoulder, I tell her, “You already have.”
For a long time, we stand there holding each other close. I know the future doesn’t have any other love planned for me, but at least it gave me this. A family forged of a bond so strong, that though it will be tested, it will never be broken.
Unlike what I thought I found on Nantucket.
I went there with damaged pride. I came home with a pulverized heart. Not the kind of souvenir you want to bring home.
Who knew that sand wasn’t the only thing the ocean could damage beyond repair?
57
Jake
Days turn into weeks. I dream of Emily every single one of them.
It’s the big things, the little things. Everything from the way she’d stare out at the ocean, to the way her laugh would turn into this adorable giggle, to the look of unbridled shock the first time I sang to her, to the way our bodies fit when we danced; everything was perfect with her.
I still see Dr. Thurman once a week. He made me realize I wasn’t just lashing out at Emily because of the accident. He’s made me see I also used it to push Emily away before she could walk away—like Michelle did. We’ve spent so much time working through long-buried issues, particularly about Michelle abandoning our marriage. He even conferenced Michelle into one of our sessions where I finally got to tell her what I thought about being left with a daughter to raise and a woman who left us both angry and terrified.
It wasn’t the easiest phone call I’ve suffered through, but it was necessary.
Dr. Thurman’s worked with both me and Jenna separately. We’ve conquered hurdles I don’t think we would have ever approached without his help. Now, we now have a communication system firmly in place so we both respect each other’s boundaries. On days when Jenna doesn’t want to open up, I don’t push. And since she gets that respect from me, the same goes both ways. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when she goes to college next year. We’ve talked openly about all her school choices—including, to my chagrin, RISD.
I want to share all of this with Emily, but I can’t. So, every night I sit in my bed and whisper in the darkness everything I wish I could say. More often than not, it ends up with me telling her how much I love and miss her.
And it ends up with tears raining down my face.
I hold on to my memories knowing it’s practically futile. If there was a chance of a reconciliation, she’d have done something to reach out to Jenna at least. Wouldn’t she?
It’s mid-October now. Jenna’s supposed to be going out shopping with Lynne later today for a homecoming dress. Trudging past her room, I hear her on the phone. “I don’t know, Dani. I have no problems with missing the dance, but I’m guessing there’s no way Daddy goes for it.”
I pause. I know she might think I’m breaking our communication rules, but her door’s partially open. Knocking, I call out, “Jen, is everything okay?”
There’s a deadly quiet before I hear, “I’ll call you back in a little bit.” Jenna’s at her door a few moments later. “Hey, Dad.”
I lean against the jamb. “Hey, baby. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I was walking by…”
“No,” she says anxiously. “Want to come in?” She bites her lower lip.
“Sure, honey.” I follow her into her room. Sitting on her bed, I ask, “What’s going on?”
Jenna begins pacing back and forth, her agitation evident. “I don’t know how to bring this up to you.”
“Jen, you can talk to me about anything. But if it’s going to hurt your ankle, will you at least do so sitting?”
Sitting next to me, she turns to me and bring up the one topic I never expected her to.
Emily.
“Daddy. Dani says she hasn’t talked with Em. She’s so focused getting ready for Fashion Week.” Hesitating, she adds, “She has talked with her sisters though. They want to do something big for her. Dani called to asked me if I want to go to New York to see Em. She was going to call and ask you next.” She scrunches up her face.
Pulling Jenna as close as I can, I whisper, “You should go.”
“Really?” Jenna’s face transforms and begins to glow for the first time in months.
“If her sisters think it’s a good idea, Em obviously still cares about you, baby.” The words feel torn from me, they’re so hard to say. “You know she’ll welcome you with open arms,” I say hoarsely. Unlike me. After everything I said to Em that night in the hospital, there’s no way she’ll ever let me back into her life.
Jenna’s vibrating with joy. Tampering down my agony, I listen to her ramble on about calling Dani and making plans to get to New York, right before she leans up and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, Daddy. Thank you for everything.” Pulling back, she looks wise beyond her years. “Have I ever said thank you for giving up your dreams to give me the world?”
