Page 78 of Free to Believe
I stand, carefully laying the book next to me. Who is this woman I’ve been sleeping with for the last few months? “Who are you?” It comes out harsher than I intend, but she’s not the only one with someone to protect.
Swallowing convulsively, she doesn’t answer. Instead, she whispers, “Flip the page.”
Picking up the journal, I turn the page. While my mind absorbs what it can’t possibly be seeing, I hear her whisper, “That’s the day I first met my brother and first sister. They were beat to shit, huddling together at a park near my house. My Aunt Dee saved them, and I repaid that beautiful woman for all she did for me—for them—by not speaking. For a total of four years if you count the two before they arrived.”
“Dear God.” The book falls from my hand to the couch. I step forward to reach for her, but she holds up her hand.
“I’ve always been Emily. My mother chose that name, so I’ll never change it. My middle name is Delores, because my Aunt Dee gave me love, gave me a home, and gave us everything even after she was gone. And we all agreed to become Freemans the very minute all six of us legally could. Because we were—are—finally free from the brutality that brought our lives together. But my siblings’ stories aren’t mine to tell.” She lets out a deep breath. “Flip the page.”
I do, and I see a scene of happiness. Warmth, laughter, love. “Flip it again.” Emily’s voice is empty.
From her mind’s eye, Emily has drawn a slightly older version of her brother and sister as they stand in front of a casket. “Your aunt?” I don’t know how much more I can bear, but I know I have to if I want to scale the walls she’s been using to keep me at bay.
“Yes. And on that day I swore,I swore, I would never love anyone but family ever again.” She rips the book from my hands, and I notice she’s trembling. “Don’t you see? I begged, and pleaded, and prayed no one else in my family would ever be taken again from me. Even if it meant I could never fall in love. Why do you think I agreed to marry a man I knewI would never fall in love with? I wanted a future—a family of my own—without harming them. And now?” Her face crumbles. “Mugsy’s gone because I dared to push the boundaries too far. I’m being punished as a reminder of the consequences of believing.”
How is it possible for a heart to break and soar all at the same time? Yanking her into my arms, the journal clatters to the floor in between us. I gasp for every breath as her burden becomes ours.
How do I convince her she’s wrong?
I rack my brain for a way to make her understand there’s no rhyme or reason to the losses she’s experienced. Then her words tear into me leaving me just as broken as she is.
“This is why I tried not…it would have been a lot easier if you’d gone on not liking me.”
And when her tears soak my shirt, all I can do is stand there and hold her.
46
Emily
I’m living with a time bomb over my head. Between knowing this and Mugsy’s death, I’m almost afraid to sleep for wasting a minute of the day. I have less than a month left. And I need to store up the smallest of memories for random moments when it’s cold and dark in Connecticut.
Laughing as Jenna and Lynne squeal when the tide comes rushing up on the beach.
Bumping my hip against Jake’s when he teases me about making a perfectly edible salad.
Dancing on the deck after I get the Cisco Brewery contract signed for the company.
Curling up on Jake’s lap as we watch the day end.
Randomly crying uncontrollably because of missing Mugsy.
Feeling either Jake or Jenna’s arms wrap around me.
Because when after it’s all said and done, this will be the summer I never forget for too many reasons.
Jake rolls over in his sleep. Jenna’s alternating spending the night at Lynne’s, so tonight he’s with me. Pulling me close, the scruff of the hair on his chin sends chills down my spine. Silent tears fall down my face as I know even if I never say the words, it’s too late.
My heart knows what it feels.
47
Emily
“Ms. Freeman?”
“Yes?”
“This is Stacie at Offshore Animal Care. On behalf of everyone here, I want to offer our condolences again on your loss of Mugsy.”
