Page 74 of Free to Believe
“Not yet.” Pulling off his sunglasses, he hooks them into his T-shirt collar. Reaching up, he moves to take off mine, but I catch his hand.
“I won’t be able to see anything.”
“The only thing you’ll need to see is my face.” Carefully, he hooks them on his shirt as well just as the singer says, “We’re going to slow it down a bit,” right before they sing a beautiful song about getting lost with a stranger on a crowded street.
There’s nothing I can do but feel. The air is thick with the scent of malt and the freshness of summer. I can hear Jake’s heart pounding against mine in a beautiful beat more intoxicating than the music around us. I can’t see the band or the swirling people around us, but that doesn’t matter. All that needs to fill my vision is the man dancing with me.
I’m overwhelmed with everything I want to say and never will. So, I do the only thing I can in this moment to let go of the pressure cooker of pain building up inside of me. Somehow, he’s getting through the ice. And it hurts so badly.
I pull his mouth down to mine to show him without words what this day means to me.
When our lips break apart, he whispers directly in my ear, “Em,” almost pleadingly.
I lay my fingers on his lips to stop the words.
I don’t know if he wants to say what I think he does, but maybe I can still save him. Otherwise, I know I’ll break. Because knowing the man he is—the strength, the humor, the father, the talent—is to halfway fall without ever having spent a moment wrapped in his arms. I might die if I ever hurt him.
Because that’s what loving me does.
It kills.
41
Jake
One step forward, twenty steps back. That’s how I feel about my relationship with Emily. She’s asleep in my arms, but I’m awake and frustrated. As I hold Em even tighter, the smell of mint and rosemary floods my senses. One night after we were lying together, our bodies still connected, I asked her what the scent in her hair was. Now, I’ll never smell either without thinking of her.
I’ll never be able to be in this apartment again without thinking of her.
Tonight, she cherished every inch of my body with her lips before taking me to places I’ve never been with a woman. But each time I try to talk, she stops me. Either with her delicate fingers, her mouth, or simply by falling asleep in my arms.
Cradling her close with one arm, I hook the other behind my head as I stare up at the vaulted ceiling. The day we had at Cisco turned into an incredible night. With Jenna at Lynne’s, we grabbed a couple of burgers on the way home and just relaxed. Today ended up being one long, perfect date. Em opened up a little more about her family. She smiled as she explained their pecking order. When I told her trying to remember was giving me a headache, she let out her adorable giggle-snort before she said, “Now let me add in the in-laws and babies.”
I want to ask her about her about her ex-fiancé to determine if she’s hung up on the ass in any way, but I don’t.
I suspect what brought her to Nantucket was a pure case of burnout, but she doesn’t offer any information.
I can only dig to a certain level before she shuts down. But lately, I’ve noticed the mask she’s been wearing isn’t as strong as it was when she first came here. Take tonight for example: I sure as hell never expected her to say what she did about her parents. Pulling her a little tighter, I’m rewarded when she nuzzles closer in her sleep.
I have so many questions. Were the Freemans fostered? Were they wards of the state? I’m astounded this family managed to survive, but then again what did Jenna and I do? You shore up your defenses and survive, I surmise as I brush a soft kiss on the top of her head.
And Emily’s still doing that.
“Are you ever going to let me in?” I whisper softly into the dark. I don’t think I spoke loud enough for her to hear me.
My heart stops in my chest when she responds in her sleep. “It’s safer for you not to.”
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Wrapping both arms around her, I pull her tight. Tomorrow, whether it means the beginning or the end, I’ll find out more about the woman sharing her bed with me before my heart gets in too deep.
But as I manage to close my eyes and drift off to sleep, I already know that it’s too late.
42
Emily
Jake stayed over. Not once in the months we’ve been sleeping together have I ever woken up with his arms around me. When I braced myself for the usual note, I was shocked, thrilled, and horrified to find him looming over me. And that was before he leaned down and kissed me good morning with a simple “I didn’t want to leave you.”
