Page 3 of Free to Believe
“Hmmm.”
I bristle. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.”
“Cass…” I warn, an edge to my voice.
She lets out a sigh. “I’m…concerned. You don’t seem happy, Em. To be honest, I’m beginning to wonder if you were happier before you started dating Bryan.”
“I’m…content.”
“What a lukewarm word for someone who used to laugh so hard she’d spit her drink out because she found such joy in life.”
“It’s undignified for a doctor’s wife to do that.” The words are out of my mouth before I realize I’m saying them.
“Em…” Cass begins, but I cut her off.
“I’m fine, Cass. I’m perfectly fine.” Or I will be once I decide whether I want to live the rest of my life with a diamond on my finger and an anvil of stress where my heart should have been.
“Listen, I really just want to go relax. We’ll talk more tomorrow, okay?”
She hesitates before agreeing. “Okay. I love you.”
“Back at you. Night.”
Tossing the phone to the counter, I pick up the glass. The three-carat diamond Bryan coolly slid on my finger mocks me as I lift the glass to my lips.
I can’t look at it anymore.
Placing the glass back on the counter, I tug it off my finger. Just the weight of it coming off my hand seems to release a burden inside of me. I place it on the counter next to my glass of wine. I look down at my naked hand and realize the ring hasn’t had time to brand me by leaving an indentation on my skin.
A voice inside me whispers,It’s as if it was never there.
Shaking my head, I do what I do best in times of stress. Without sliding the ring back on my hand, I go back to the mudroom where Mugsy has curled into his doggie bed. My heart breaks knowing I likely don’t have much time left with him. I crouch down and whisper so quietly so I don’t disturb him, “You’ve been my one true love, old man.” His tail thumps up and down a few times, but he doesn’t stir.
Picking up the bag I dropped earlier, I take it into my rarely used kitchen. Seeing the diamond on the counter, I can’t help but shudder a little at the idea of sliding it back on my finger. On paper, Bryan is perfect. He’s a brilliant surgeon. He’s intellectually stimulating. He’s gorgeous. And I’ll be forever indebted to him for saving Corinna’s life last year. Yet even though I know I’ll never give over that side of me that I’ve long buried, there’s still something else. Another part of him that’s been showing up more and more as of late. I can’t quite put my finger on it yet. As much as I’ve always been a loner, there are things about him that are driving me even deeper into myself.
Pulling out my personal sketch journal, I flip to the last page and begin to speak using the language I know best using one of the charcoal pencils I always keep handy.
Before I even touch the charcoal pencil to the paper, I think back to our first date. Bryan picked me up in his Mercedes and we drove to Westport for dinner on the water. Our conversation was certainly unique; Corinna had just come home from the hospital from her surgery, so we talked a good deal about her procedure and her outlook. My initial comfort with Bryan had a lot to do with his connection to my family and the fact we had a very important point of interest in common already.
As time passed, our interests diverged. I thought that was a benefit. While my blood didn’t run hot for him, we had a lot to talk about. At first our disagreements made our relationship seem livelier, more animated. Then after Bryan proposed, it was as if he no longer had to hold up a facade.
It’s as if he felt his arrogance, his superiority, and even sometimes his cruelty was bought and paid for.
In my head, I can hear Dee whisper,You deserve more.
Do I?I wonder. Or do I just deserve to finish this life with a little piece of happiness even if it never equals love?
With a jagged sigh, I begin sketching to unburden my mind while I contemplate what the best course of action truly is.
Is being alone really so much worse than being with someone for all the wrong reasons?
2
Emily
Ibrood for a long time before needing the haven of my second floor. Even though it’s late, I fortunately don’t have any clients until early afternoon, so I still have time to decompress.
