Page 1 of Free to Believe
Prologue
Emily
When I was a child, all I knew was that love died. Repeatedly, it was torn from me brutally. When I saw my parents die, I realized love respected nothing; not pleading, not tears, not begging.
So, I became silent.
I holed up my heart.
When my Aunt Dee—the person who saved the modicum of goodness in me—died, I realized some hard truths.
I am the catalyst for death, betrayal, and heartbreak. When someone tries to penetrate the walls I frantically hold up around me, they inevitably end up getting hurt. Some even die.
All because of love.
And I’ve never forgotten it.
It’s easier to live behind the barrier I’ve created. It’s not made out of steel or armor. It’s made out of silence.
If I don’t give in to the shattering need inside of me, I can’t hurt anyone else.
I live inside my heart wanting. Watching. Wishing.
I hear what’s said about me: that I’m cold, a challenge, a bitch, an ice queen.
I’m none of those things.
I’m petrified that due to the promise I made, I’m only allowed to let so many people in. To add another might mean any of them could die.
So, I’ve shut off my need for love. I deny the fact there’s something more out there.
Because I believe if I give in to the longing to fill the void that lives in the core of my body and catastrophe strikes again, I’ll never forgive myself.
1
Emily
Iwear his ring not caring I will never love the man I agreed to marry. I see the concern in my family’s faces. They think I don’t see the lies behind his eyes or that he’ll miraculously change? They think I’m so blinded by the pretty words that fall from his lips that I think they will become truth? Maybe they believe I actually think our once instant attraction will flame into a passion so deep that it will burn away their lingering doubt? Maybe they think he’s taken root in my heart? Will he permanently open the fortress doors I’ve hidden behind since I was a child?
They couldn’t be more wrong. I know I’ll never love him.
It’s why I agreed to marry him.
“Bryan, I know you made these reservations a while ago.” Running a weary hand down my blonde curls, I sigh. “I just had two bridezillas who were booked at the same time. They wanted the exact same gown and realized that in the middle of the salon and—”
Bryan rudely interrupts me. “Em, I don’t have time to listen to this crap. I have to get back to my patients. Maybe we’d have a chance to discuss this over dinner, but since you’re canceling again, we can talk about it at some other time.” He quickly disconnects the call.
With a choked sound, I toss my cell on the table next to me before reaching down to brush Mugsy’s, my very elderly dog, ears. “Oh, Mugs. What did I get myself into?” I murmur.
When did my carefully controlled life degenerate to this?
Through the restored stained-glass windows that stream beams of color into my personal workspace, light winks off the diamond that rests on the third finger of my left hand. The ring on my finger symbolizing a relationship I don’t know how to handle. It’s too ostentatious, too weighty, too suppressing.
I’m not sure how much more I can bear. I may have signed up for a loveless marriage, but I didn’t sign up to have my soul destroyed. And every moment I’m engaged to the esteemed Dr. Bryan Moser, I feel like another pigment of the color of my life is being stripped away.
I need to figure out what to do about it.
I met Bryan a little more than a year ago after he performed a life-saving surgery on one of my younger sisters, Corinna. I was blindsided by his interest—he literally grabbed me into his arms after telling me my sister was going to live and drowned me in a kiss so completely unexpected, I had no choice but to respond.
