Page 70 of Free to Believe
Saying yes will put a massive chink in the armor of my defenses. But in the midst of feeling weakened by the madness we shared, there’s a part of me that recognizes this may never be enough. I may need these moments in the days when I’m living in solitude to protect those I love beyond reason.
Knowing I will somehow pay for this weakness, I pull my hand free and touch his lips. “Yes.”
His lips curve in a bow that wraps his face in masculine arrogance and relief. I expect him to crush his lips against mine. Instead, he surprises me when he merely nuzzles against me. “Now, go get dressed. We’re cooking out tonight.” His eyes are alight with something I haven’t truly seen since I arrived.
I think it might be happiness.
“Do I have time to clean up?” I ask wryly.
“For the sake of the two teenagers who are eagerly anticipating your arrival? Yes. If you want, I’ll take Mugsy out when I walk back.” The sweetness of the gesture causes me to melt inside.
“I’d appreciate that.” I smile. I run my fingers through his hair before I brush a kiss on his lips. “Is there anything I can bring?”
“You forget, I’ve seen your fridge. So, the answer is no. Just throw on something casual and come on over when you’re ready. We’ll be on the back deck.” Dropping one more kiss on my lips, he whistles for Mugsy and they’re out the door.
Soon, I’m drying off from a shower with a glow to my skin the sun had nothing to do with. And when I work up the courage to meet my own eyes in the mirror, I feel the first tinges of fear.
Fear that I won’t escape this summer without feeling my heart break for the first time since Aunt Dee passed away.
And knowing I’ll pay for it.
I always do.
38
Jake
The weeks pass by too quickly. The more I’m with Emily, the more it feels right. The more we feel right. And how can that be when we’ve known each other for such a short period of time?
And it scares me, because the more I become attached, the more I want to be with her, the less I feel I think she feels the same way. I still know as little about her as I did on the day I met her. If she’ll only trust herself with me in the here and now, then I’ll smash every clock, destroy every calendar, ruin every metric of time so there’s only the present, no past and no future.
Each day the nights become shorter, and every night when I hold her close in bed, I curse the moon glowing over the crashing waves. I know in my mind that each day we have together is the same length of time, but I’ve learned that when the heart is involved, time is subjective.
Each day as the sky changes from the depth of midnight to a hazy shade of purple, I go back to my cold bed alone. I want to say the hell with this separation of our hearts, our minds, our lives. Be with me.
But I can’t.
I can’t watch another woman walk away with my heart.
I slide away from her warm body. She murmurs a protest. I quickly dress by her bedside so I can stay with her as long as I can.
Because I know better.
Time is moving too fast.
Just as I’m about to slip out the door, Em rolls over in her sleep. In the glow from the light in the hallway, I can see she’s still asleep from the hard loving I gave her earlier.
But I don’t know which one of us is dreaming when I hear her whisper almost silently, “Don’t go. Stay.”
It takes everything in me to put one foot in front of the other and walk past Mugsy out the door.
39
Emily
Designs are flowing out of me. They’re just notit. I can’t pinpoint why, but I just know something’s off. Scrubbing my charcoal-coated fingers over my face, I must look like I did when Phil, Cassidy, and I would come running back to Aunt Dee’s from playing in the pluff mud down by the marshes near our trailer in South Carolina.
Frustrated, I put down my sketchbook and pick up my journal. Flipping back through the worn pages, I study the detailed sketch I drew of my mother’s face as she promised me everything would be okay.I know you suffered because of me too, Mama, I think to myself. Would my father have ever fallen prey to the need for more money if I hadn’t been born?
