Page 65 of Free to Breathe
She begins to laugh. “I was so pissed. I blamed you, unjustly.”
“Is it my fault?” Sorrow and regret lace my words. I have no idea how all of this works. Maybe something I did caused this.
Corinna pushes up on my body until her face is even with mine. Her long, thick hair curtains both of us. I’m trapped, surrounded, and I never want to be rescued. I reach up to touch her face and wince. “Colby, you fucked up. I fucked up. You didn’t cause the tumor. Yes, I found out that night that I had one, but in retrospect that’s one good thing. It gave them time to monitor it and establish a plan of care. They suspect I had it since birth; it’s that slow growing. That’s a good thing.” Taking a deep breath, she admits, “It was my own foolishness in not telling the family. I thought I was protecting them. The reality was, I was just holding on to my own resentment about the tumor, about you, about how this could happen to me after everything else I’d already been through.”
I can appreciate her point of view, and her honesty, but still— “Nothing about this is a good thing.”
“Trust me. If anything is, that is. The longer it takes to grow, the better. My problem is the placement of where it is.” She shrugs. “I’ve always been a challenge.”
I take a deep breath and let it out loudly. “That you have.” Corinna smiles as she lays her head back down.
“Let’s embrace the now and all of the mess we’re going to create just by living,” she whispers.
I can do that, so long as I have her wrapped in my arms. Brushing my lips on top of her head, I tuck her closer. “Deal.”
* * *
Hours later,we’ve moved out of the sun and talked more freely than I think we ever did in college. Corinna has quietly been telling me about her long-standing relationship with Marco. I shudder when I think about how close I came to losing her before I had a chance to have her back.
“He was the first man who looked at me and saw me. He didn’t just see a reputation or a conquest. It was just me,” Corinna explains.
“He wasn’t the first,” I reprimand her.
She stills but then recovers. “He was after I went on a free-for-all dating everyone,” Corinna says quietly. “Granted I didn’t sleep with hardly any of them; the dating was apparently enough.” Corinna sounds disgusted.
I feel disgusted too. With myself. I listened to the rumors and innuendos and then saw fit to give Corinna a lecture when I haven’t been a monk for the last ten years. Corinna, at least, had developed a long-term relationship with someone who cared about her. I barely stuck around after I slid the condom off.
“I owe you an apology for that too,” I murmur, stroking her hair.
We’ve moved inside and are lying down facing each other on her couch. I’d shrugged my shirt back on but left it unbuttoned. Corinna nuzzles her face against my chest hair. The sensations cause my breathing to catch.
“For what?”
I’ve lost my train of thought. Her uncomplicated sexuality where I never expected it years ago, and never hoped for it recently, undoes me. If she understood how completely she disarms me, I’d be a duck in a shooting gallery. “Hmm?” I slide my hand under the heavy mass of her hair and massage her neck.
A sigh passes her lips that I feel on my chest. “That feels good.”
“I never understood how this tiny neck could hold up such thick hair.” I slide my fingers around her throat and brush them up and down.
She snickers. “It’s only tiny to you, Colby. It’s pretty…” I don’t let her finish.
Smack!
Right after my hand lands on her ass, I begin to rub it to soothe away the sting.
“Hey! I wasn’t going to insult myself.” She pouts.
“Oh, sorry. Call that one foreplay, then.” Her eyes brighten. I can’t resist. I laugh even as I drop a kiss on her lips.
“What else were you going to apologize for?” she asks, resuming the spike in my blood pressure by curling closer.
“I’m sorry for not believing in the person you are. For believing rumors over what I know to be true right here.” I clasp her hand and place it over my heart. I slide mine over her amaryllis tattoo. It’s not meant to be a sexual move; it’s meant as a promise. A vow. “I had no idea you weren’t getting my letters. Not that it should have mattered. I knew you. I should have just manned up and come back sooner to figure us out.” I rested my forehead against hers.
She strokes my heart through my chest. “You know I’ve been living my life like tomorrow doesn’t exist, because it might not. You accept that, right?”
As much as it churns my gut to admit it, I do. I nod against her dark hair.
“Let’s put the past where it belongs, behind us. Live with me in the now, in whatever capacity you can handle. I promise to not burden you with more than you can take.” Her eyes are earnest, and her mouth quirks. “Mind you, if you had any sense, you would go running through my front door as fast as you can. My ups and downs are going to drive you crazy.”
