Page 117 of Free to Run
“I fell asleep and thought it was a dream.” She reaches up to touch my face before pulling her hand back. I capture it and pull it to my lips.
“It’s not a dream. I’m right here.”
Her body begins to shake as she tries to hold in the emotions racing through her. “I’m so sorry, Keene. I should have trusted you.” A solitary tear escapes.
“Alison—” I begin, but I’m interrupted.
“When Jared explained what truly happened, I hit a low. I knew no one would ever want me to come back.” Her face is turned away from mine. “I knew I’d have to come home and explain, but it would likely be the last time I saw you all.”
“That’s not true,” I rasp. My fault. She’s shouldering the blame for something I could have stopped.
“Then I kept getting calls today. Cass, Phil, Em, Corinna, Holly, Jared, Ryan, Charlie. Everyone called during my race. You. I thought maybe I’d have a second chance to make it right.” She sighs. “I understand if all of this is too much for you.” A wry expression crosses her face. “Fatherhood may not be what you were looking for.”
I groan as I pull her closer. There’s no way she can’t feel the frantic beat of my heart. “Will you let me tell you what happened?” I have to stop her from thinking this is her fault.
Her body tenses next to me, but then I hear her quiet “Yes.”
Throwing an arm over my eyes, I tell her from the beginning. About Melody. About the lonely drunken night at the bar. About the offensive advances at work, and how I thought I was putting an end to it before I came home from DC that final time.
The next hour is spent explaining how I argued almost persistently with Caleb that we needed to protect the family against my psychotic stalker. I walk her through my logic—Cassidy’s pregnancy, my budding relationship with her, my overinflated ego. All of which seem so trite when I think of the things we lost. Time. Trust. Each other.
By the time I’m done, Alison hasn’t asked more than a few questions, and I’ve laid it all out. The room is almost oppressive in the wake of what I’ve said. Now, I wait.
“You know what I’ve been crying the most about lately?” Her words cut through my heart like a knife.
“No, what?”
“Whether or not we would have failed solely because I didn’t have enough confidence in myself. Would I have failed us?” she muses aloud. “I don’t know. I’d like to think I’d have had these epiphanies without all the drama.” Her eyes meet mine. “I’m not sure you would have though.”
My heart starts to crumble in pain.
“I was ready to come home and beg, Keene. Kneel before your feet, knowing that what I did was wrong. I knew that within weeks of coming to Charleston before Jared told me the truth. Would you have ever told me about Melody and the threats if you didn’t have to?” Her voice is quiet but strong.
And it’s then that I understand what she’s asking. Would I ever have trusted her without the catastrophe of the last few months? I open and close my mouth because I can’t answer her the way she wants.
“There are some things I’ll never be able to share, Alison,” I hedge.
“Which I knew from the beginning, but something that’s going to strike so deep at the core of us?” She takes my hand and places it on her stomach where our child is growing. “At the core of all of us, Keene, you have to figure out how to let us in.
“I think we fell apart so we could lose the blush of what we had to become what we need to be. We had to figure out who we are, not who we thought we were, to raise this life between us.” Her voice is intense.
“What are you saying, Alison?”
“We were both damaged. We fell hard. We fell fast. I thought I was betrayed. I thought I was letting go of every dream of forever, Keene. I thought I was in this all alone for the rest of my life. We didn’t have enough time for us to know what was real and what wasn’t before all of this happened,” she concludes, her hand rubbing circles around our child.
“So, where does that leave us?” I ask, feeling like the world might be slipping through my fingers.
Her hand stops over mine and squeezes. “It leaves me knowing I still love you. It leaves me coming home to have our child, and it leaves you with a decision on whether you want to be a part of that and how much you’re willing to bend to be a part of that.” She looks at me a moment before brushing her lips against mine. “I need you to be my rock, Keene, but not a rock if you see the difference.”
Alison’s words resonate deeply. Not since I was a little boy have I let someone in. The last time was when my mother told me Cassidy was missing. Over and over, I was let down by everyone I came in contact with, except Caleb. I shut down some part of me willing to trust on faith. Even when Cassidy was found, I still didn’t open up to my little sister, let alone to the woman I love.
I never let her in. Is it any wonder she thought I’d be racing to get out?
“I can work on that.” I croak out.
“Then let’s go home, Keene,” Alison whispers. Her eyes flood with tears. “I miss you. All of you.”
I wipe her eyes gently with my free hand. She’s still clutching my hand against her stomach when I feel it, and so does she. A tiny little flutter against her stomach. “Is that…?” I breathe.
