Page 45 of Only Everything
Silence.
My mouth parted, and my stomach flipped at the painful barb. I went to crawl off, not able to move as his hands locked on my hips and kept me in place.
“That’s not fair. I was honest with you.”
“And so was I, Taur. We’ve gone over it all before. Location. Relation. Upbringing. I mean, dammit, it can’t be the last two. If that was such a big deal, fucking me wouldn’t be so appealing…unless that’sexactlywhat it is.”
My cheeks heated as a tinge of guilt burned the truth in me. “Stop this. That’s enough. Let go.” I wiggled. “You’re in a bad mood, and you’re being mean. I’m not going to listen to this right now.”
“You’re listening. I want to know. If you love me, you would be with me. But you won’t be with me here, which is understandable, so it must be the location. We’ll move to Knoxville. Or fuck, Charlotte. No one will know us there, and they’re both roughly two hours away.
“Reid—”
“What is it? You love me. I know you do. Why can’t you be with me?”
“I’m trying! Why can’t you let me think! Why can’t you give me more time to adjust and figure this out?” I held against his cheeks, meeting his eyes head on. “Slow. Down.You’re overwhelming me. You’re not making me want to be with you; you’re pushing me away. You’re scaring me. How many times have we been here?How many?You’re too much right now.”
Reid’s lids closed, and he took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. His arms came around me, pulling me in close as he hugged tightly.
“I’m sorry. This is four years of heartbreak leaking through. I’m trying so hard to be supportive. I know you’re working through horrible shit, and I know I’m not easy to be with. I just…when I think that I might lose you, or that you’ll leave me.” He stopped, hugging to me tighter. “Ican’tlose you, Tauren. You’re everything to me.Everything.”
“You're not losing me. Just because I cannot commit at this very moment does not mean I'm going anywhere. I just got out of a very complicated and damaging relationship. I watched you kick a man that I spent four years of my life with off a cliff. That night, I saw a side of him that I haven't seen since my dad has been alive. My bruises are barely gone and you're giving me a hard time about a commitment. I love you. I love you as if you are a physical piece of me. Being away from you for the last four years has been hell. But if you keep pressuring me this way, you'll never get a commitment. You have to let me adjust. You have to let me process everything that's happening. I need to find myself. I’m trying so hard. I don't even know who I am. I was never allowed to figure it out.”
“Which is what scares me.” Reid’s face buried in my chest. “You deserve to figure it out. You should be out there on your own becoming independent and strong, andI should be the one out there cheering you on to do it. But fuck if I'm too greedy to lose you like that. I want that for you. I truly do. I'm just terrified you won't choose me once you get on your feet.You never choose me.”
The last was so quiet I barely heard. I moved back watching Reid’s attention come back up to mine. I didn't have any words to say. I may have been putting in the work to find my power, but he was right, and it broke my heart. He was greedy to keep me, but I wasn’t any better. We were both jagged pieces of a puzzle that didn't seem to fit anywhere but with each other. Separate, we were incomplete. As one, we were whole but an abomination in the eyes of society. I shouldn't have cared. Growing up in such a small town, being abused by my father, I did. Guilt was plaguing. People talked. Some of that talk was downright decimating. I didn't want that for Reid. I didn't want that for either of us, but I couldn’t lose him either. I had to fix him.Help him.First, I had to help myself.
Power.
I had to take control of our situation. Nancy would want me to choose the direction, and I could do that. I could try to make this day better.
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
Reid’s lip pulled back a little. “I’m not really in the mood.”
“Alright. Do you want to look for jobs with me? I can get my tablet, and we can cozy in and see what’s out there.”
“Maybe later.”
“Want to go for a walk?”
Gray eyes searched mine, and the walls he had up lowered. “Really?”
I let a soft smile surface. “Sure. This is your place.”
“Our place,” he interrupted.
“You’re right. This is our place. Why don’t you show me around.”
The stiffness in his body disappeared, and he stood, lifting me with him. His strength had my body immediately reacting, but I pushed away the lust as he stood me up beside him.
“You’re going to love it out here, Taur. There are so many trails. So many peaceful places, and they’re beautiful. I should have taken you days ago. I just…I get consumed with you. I’ve waited so long for this.”
“Then be happy with me. Let’s go explore.”
I laughed as he practically dragged me to the door.
“I’ll take you to the waterfall.”
