Page 34 of Only Everything
“Reid…” I forced myself to face him. To really look at him. It only had him slowing and putting the truck in park. We were not a hundred yards from his driveway, yet he’d stopped to give me every second of his attention. No thoughts. He didn't question it. When he saw that I needed him, I was his.
For a moment I couldn't speak. Or maybe I could have but I couldn't find the right words.
“You love me? You say that, but I mean in your heart. To the depths of your soul. You love me like a man would when he wants to marry a woman, right?”
Reid swallowed hard. “More than that. My love is…the eternal kind. The killing kind.”
I nodded, feeling the tears come back. They didn't fall; they couldn't.
“What if I couldn't be with you like that? What if this was all you got of me? Here, like this. Broken. Depressed. A disastrous mess. What if that's all I had to give?”
Longer, Reid sat there. His hands dropped from the steering wheel, and he turned more towards me, reaching over to grab my hand.
“I'd try to make you better. I would keep you, and loveyou, and do everything in my power to show you how much. Maybe I wouldn't be enough. That doesn't mean I would stop trying. Taur…without you I am nothing. I know, I lived it. I tried to move forward. I know this is hard for you, but it's right. I can feel it in every part of me.” His brows drew in through his obvious pain. “Don't you feel it? Even a little?”
I unbuckled, closing the distance as I pressed my lips against his.
“I never said I didn't feel it. I said I couldn't be with you like that. I’m certain of this. I...can't.”
In that moment, I watched Reid's heart shatter to a million pieces through his eyes. His mouth opened, only to close. He went to speak but stopped. When he swallowed hard and squeezed my hand I tried not to break down. My words were certain—my heart wasn’t.
“No. You only say that because this is new and you feel guilty about what happened with our parents. You're grieving over this new betrayal and loss, and it didn’t help that Emmett fucked up your head even worse. I'm going to make it better. You’ll stay, and we'll take one day at a time. All you have to do is give yourself to me.” He eased in, nibbling and sucking against my lip. “You let me work on the rest. I won't have to convince you we’re perfect for each other,I'll show you.”
“We’ll see what happens. I make no promises about the future. I may love you, but I'm not good. I'll drive you crazy, and maybe that's what I'm here to see.” I pulled back, and the tears finally did fall. “Look at who you love. I destroy everyone. You, more than anyone, know that. You feel it. You know I speak the truth. Maybe I'm justhoping that I'll annoy the ever living shit out of you and break this spell you're under so that this time you can walk away. This time you'll escape my curse.”
“You can try your hardest, but I'm not going anywhere. My love isn't the kind that scares easily. The only fear I feel is losing you. That's not going to happen.”
He turned, putting the truck back in drive and heading for the driveway. He was wrong. He said that he didn't get scared easily, but he also didn't know the truth. If it wasn’t trapped inside of me tangled with the trauma, perhaps I’d tell him and set him free. That would mean letting him go completely. Now that I had him back, I just wasn’t sure I could do that again. The darkness that lived inside wanted this. It wanted him. Just…in its own way.
Reid pulled up, throwing the truck back in park as he spun to me.
“I know you’re upset. I know you’re having a hard day.” He smiled, not able to contain it. “But I haven’t been this happy in…I don’t even know. Taur,it’s us.It’s me and you, and you didn’t leave me. We’re watching a movie tonight. I get to continue to hold you and see you smile. I get to cook for you,” he leaned forward pressing his lips to mine, “and kiss you whenever you let me. You can’t see commitment for us in the future, but for now, this is everything. This is enough.”
And it was for him. Already, the difference my presence made was astounding. Over the last two weeks, Reid had gone from slightly defensive and on edge to hopeful. I could still see a weariness under the surface, but even that wasn’t as profound as it had been. And I’d ruin that too. Time would prove me right, even if I hated it.
“Food, huh? What are you making me?”
“It’s a surprise.”
I laughed. “I saw everything we bought at the store. I was there.”
“But you can’t guess what it is. Don’t even try.”
I opened the truck door, following Reid’s lead as we began unloading the groceries out of the cab and carrying them inside. As I began putting away the meat and boxes, he quickly went back out to bring in my bags. They hit the ground with just as much weight as their purpose, and it was like a slap to the face.
Trash.
Garbage.
Snatching the popcorn, I tried not to show the aggression that came from the anger, but the box was more thrown into the cabinet than set. I had to call my therapist despite her being the last person I wanted to talk to. I wasn’t alright. I was spiraling and spinning down some depression vortex that was swallowing me whole, and I had prolonged our talk long enough. Even though I knew Emmett was dead, there was no closure. No funeral that I went to. No screaming at him for how he may have destroyed me for good. I had never dwelled on how unfair the universe was; I just took the shit I was handed and tried to make the best of it, but I was at the end of my rope. I was dangling and on the verge of falling. If I didn’t get a handle on this soon, Reid might not have to worry about losing me to independence. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be anywhere anymore. I just felt done in every fiber of my being.
“Alright, that’s it. I’m going to grab the TV.”
“Let me help.”
“If you can just help me get it out of the back of the truck, I can carry it from there.”
“You got it.”
