Page 39 of Only Everything
“That’s so far from the truth. Secrets only give abusers power. Today, you took the first step of reclaiming that control.”
“First step.” The tears did fall then. “It’s all so overwhelming. And embarrassing. What if I’m never normal? What if when someone touches me, I freeze up or remember? I do that. I’ve always done it with men. I’m weak. I hate it. I want to be strong. I want…” I knew what I wanted. Who… I wanted. “I want to be the one with the power.”
“And we’ll help you find it. Power and control don’t start in the bedroom. It starts with the choices you make from the moment you wake up. It’s what you wear. What you eat. It’s who you allow in your space. You make these decisions every day. Each time you decide, you’re not powerless, you’re in control. Think about how these decisions add up. You’re deciding and you’re choosing. That is power, and it’s building the foundation of the woman you’re becoming.”
“I… see. I want to hear more. Tell me more ways I can find my power.”
And Nancy had. For the first time, I had actually been disappointed when my session ended. But I had this new insight, and it had felt good to shed some of the weight that had been suffocating me from my past. What it had also done was trigger the nightmares.
Reid.
Dammit. I’d tried so hard to take Nancy’s advice and face those fears, and I’d almost done it. I had been so close.
“James…James McMillian.” Whispers from my coworkers continued behind me. I clutched tighter to the prescription bag as I took in Emmett’s partner. His eyes were narrowed, and the mix of anger and disgust weren’t missed as he headed forward in his uniform. He was the only officer who worked in Asheville that lived in the same town as we did. For that, I was thankful, but even one was too many.
“Tauren.” He paused, clenching his jaw repeatedly. “You weren’t at the funeral.”
My eyes jumped up only to lower. Power. Control. Nancy’s words spun circles in my head as guilt and fear twisted inside me. I decided … I controlled. “I was not.”
“All that time you two were together and one argument?—”
I stiffened.
“James, it wasn’t one.”
“Emmett was a good guy. A damn fine cop.”
What felt like a grenade exploded within me. “Emmett was an abusive piece of shit.He beat the hell out of me!” I barely got control, lowering my voice. “He damn near killed me. Is this all you need?”
I was shaking as I rang him up, glad when the sirens in the distance had him distracted and looking toward the windows. I stapled the receipt onto the bag and thrust it in his direction.
“Here. Have a great day, James.”
He snatched it from my hand. “What kind of day do you think his parents are having? Maybe think about that.”
I couldn't speak. All I could do was stare in his direction as he turned and walked away. Missy whispered something to the pharmacist, and my head dropped as Iheaded to the break room. Heat crept over my face, and tears burned my vision. Shame and guilt were drowning me. Voices had me slowing and coming to a stop outside the door to the break room.
“She's different. She always looks so afraid. I mean, I don't blame her. Emmett literally tried to throw her off a cliff. He was going to kill her. Did you see the bruises on the side of her face? They’re super light but still there.Still, Hillary. I can't imagine how bad it was after it happened. My cousin, Amber, just graduated nursing school. She works at the hospital. Well, she saw Tauren come in that night. Supposedly, the whites of her eyes were barely even white from the choking. They were nothing but busted blood vessels. If Reid wouldn’t have called the police and shown up to save her—Jesus. I can’t imagine. My cousin has nightmares from what she saw. It's no wonder Tauren's so messed up. I mean, first her dad goes psycho and kills her stepmom feet from her, and then Emmett tries to kill her? I'd be checking out. Does it get any worse than that?”
“It seems so unreal. How does something like that happen twice to the same person?”
I shuffled back, spinning, but plowing right into the pharmacist, Mr. Darcer.
“I’m s-sorry. I have to go. I can’t?—”
I didn't wait. I barreled around him, walking at a fast pace to the door that opened up into the main store. The vitamins along the aisle blurred as tears poured down my face. I quickly wiped them away trying to hold it together as I burst through the exit. As soon as the breeze blew back my hair, a sob tore from my throat. The top half of my body doubled over, and I tried not to let out a frustratedscream. Why couldn't people leave me alone? Why couldn't they mind their own fucking business?
I stood feeling the anger take me over. Reid’s truck was parked next to my car, and I'd completely forgotten that we were going to meet up for dinner. It didn't matter. He was already out of his truck and jogging towards me like he was ready to go to war with the world. And maybe in that moment, I would have let him. I would have joined him.
“What the hell happened?”
I quickly wiped my face walking toward his truck at a fast pace.
“It’s nothing. Everything. First, James, Emmett’s partner, and then stupid gossiping not meant for me to hear. I did. I heard.”
Reid went to walk past me to the store, but I grabbed his arm pulling him to a stop.
“Don't. I'm not going back anyway.I've decided…I’m done. I'll find something else in the next town over. It's not a big deal.”
