Page 33 of Only Everything
“I can’t do it. I can’t go back there. I-I can’t. I shouldn’t be having fun. Not there. I shouldn’t—there at his place?Our place?Laughing and being happy?” Anger took over her features. “And fucking. Of course we’d be fucking. We should. I should fuck you on every space I can in that apartment. He hated you so damn much.Asshole.That fucking asshole!He h-hurt me. He could have killed me. Just likehim,like my dad.”
Her hands flew to her face and the sobs had me pulling her in to hold.
“Fuck them both. You’re not going back. I’m not letting you.” Tighter I held to her. “Just thinking about it has youfalling to pieces. Lose the security deposit and stay with me while we look for a new place for you.”
“I hate him.I hate him. He ruined me. It’s all my fault. I should have never let him bully me into returning after the first time I left. I’m so fucked up, Reid. You have no idea. Worse than before. I have so much fear. So much hate for myself.”
“Shh.” I kissed against her head. “We’re going to fix this. I’m going to help you. Popcorn. Candy….and I’m going to steal your TV while you pack your clothes. You have plenty of time to be strong. You deserve to be taken care of as you work through this. I’m going to do that, and you, you’re going to face this head on. Not with me at your side. I’m behind you. I have your back, but you’re leading. Okay? I’ll give you your space.” I turned her, pointing to my couch. “My bed.” My finger moved over to my bedroom door. “Your room. I won’t take no for an answer.You’re staying.”
CHAPTER 12
TAUREN
It wasodd how smells could define a person, an act…a moment forever stamped in time. Smells were powerful. Triggering. Lethal.
The truck rocked along the ruts in the long road that led to Reid’s, and although I was watching to make sure the TV we had tied down in the back didn’t fall over, all I could smell was the lavender scented detergent somehow escaping the plastic I had my clothes piled into. My life...condensed into garbage bags.
Not boxes.
Not plastic tubs.
Garbage.
Trash.
Emmett had called me that on more occasions than I could remember. Yet, somehow, I found myself making excuses for him, only to catch myself. Anger would come, and then so would the words that never left me.
Trash.
Pathetic.
Sick.
It was hard to dismiss names when you started to believe them. And to an extent, I did, but I also knew it was how abusers worked. That still didn’t change how I felt about myself. And now I wasn’t leaving to become independent either?
Weak…Emmett would have said it. He would have thrown it in my face. And I was trying to be strong. Iwantedto be independent. So, why did I keep doing this? Why was I staying with men when what I needed to do was spare them my presence so I didn’t make them worse?
I didn’t know. What I did recognize were the patterns. Even with acknowledgement, it didn’t change the outcome.Because…here I was again.
Was it guilt, love, or dependency? Poor Reid. He never stood a chance with me in his life. Maybe I should be honest and admit that I was beyond accountability. I shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions. I clearly always made the wrong ones. But was this wrong? Reid wasn’t safer with me gone. He needed me here for stability. And me…alone?
Suicide whispered in my ear like a lover. Alone was dangerous. But so was coming back here. Getting more attached to Reid was a double-edged sword. Not just for me but for him. Did I really believe he’d let me leave? Did a part of me pray he wouldn’t?
I couldn’t choose him. To commit would be accepting a truth I couldn’t stomach. How could you want something so wrong and then loathe the same thing?
“You’re so quiet. Areyou okay?”
I couldn’t look at Reid. I kept my stare on the television as the truck rocked at the slow speed.
“I’m fine.”
He shifted in his seat, his voice dropping. “You don’t look fine. If I pushed you too hard, say it. I don’t want you here if you feel trapped.”
My eyes jumped to him.
“I don’t feel trapped. I feel…truly…cursed.”
“You’re not.”
