Page 29 of Jase
Chapter 12
Kody
I wasn’t sure what to do. I sure as hell didn’t know what to think. J was obviously still watching me, but he wasn’t answering. Had he seen me…? I wouldn’t think of that. Maybe it was the phone. Maybe he’d watched me in my room, and knew I needed something. Why I hadn’t thought of it myself was beyond me. I wasn’t doing much clear thinking as it was. My mind revolved around the abduction, the torture, and I couldn’t seem to move past it.
“You said on day one, he removed your clothes.”
“Yes. I woke up on the metal table with them off.” I watched the woman write something down.
“How did that make you feel?”
My mouth opened the slightest bit. “I was terrified, of course. At first, I was afraid he was going to rape me. The torture took over, but I don’t think that fear ever truly ended. At one point, I thought maybe…He gave me a look. Something felt off about it. Like he knew something I didn’t. I was suspicious there might be something he was planning, but nothing ever happened. I think the way things played out is why I’m so confused. When I…” I stopped.
“Confused on what, Kody?”
Heat burned into my cheeks. I didn’t want to talk about this, but who else was I going to confide in? It was wrong. Sick. Something was twisted inside of me.
“I’ve been. I mean, I’ve needed.”
“Slow down. It’s okay. Is this of a sexual nature?”
I nodded, almost relieved. “Yes.”
“Do you fantasize about the man who took you?”
“No. Not at all. It’s.” My fingers went to trace over the indents on my wrist. The stitches were gone now, and they were healing, but I still traced over some of the raised skin where it was going to scar.
“You fantasize about being back there? Restrained?”
“Yes. I don’t understand it. I hated it with everything I have. But now I can’t seem to get it out of my mind. I sleep tied to my bed. One wrist. If I don’t, I toss and turn or wake up all through the night. It seems to help with the nightmares too.”
“I’d imagine it would. What you’re doing is healthy. It’s normal to do after what you’ve been through.”
“It is?”
“Yes. You’re doing it. No one else. Fantasizing is another way for you to replace him with yourself. With what happened. It takes away his power, and it gives it to you.”
“Oh. So, there’s nothing wrong with me?”
“Not at all. If anything, I’d suggest doing this exact thing as part of your therapy. I believe it can help you move past the trauma and help substitute it with memories of pleasure. It’s that control I spoke of.Your control.Even if you were to allow someone to tie you, your consent is a form of power. You’re saying yes. Maybe you’re even initiating and welcoming the act. All of this is healthy.”
“Oh.” My eyes lowered to the floor as I processed her assessment.Healthy.
“What about leaving your apartment? Are you getting more comfortable with the idea? You mentioned on the phone it made you nervous.”
“I walked here. I…walked fast, but I made myself face the fear.”
“Good. These are very good steps you’re taking. I want you to keep doing that. Try to force yourself to go out at least once every few days. If you can manage every day, even better.” She looked at her watch. “It seems our time is up. How are you on taking medication? Were you prescribed anything to deal with the anxiety you’re experiencing?”
I stood. “I was, but I’m not interested in a new prescription. I still have plenty. I take them when needed. Thank you for offering.”
“You’re welcome. If you change your mind, call me. I’ll see you next week.”
Nodding, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I didn’t want to think about the mess I had been in when I arrived. I’d almost been sick three times along the way. I was so terrified from being outside my apartment, I almost cancelled and ran back home. What if someone saw me? What if they decided to take me again? Rationality said the odds of that were slim to none, but it happened once. It could happen again.
Ringing had me digging in my purse as I headed for the door of the small office. It was in a house close to downtown. Why hadn’t I found one closer to my apartment?
No Caller ID.
