Page 37 of Twisted Trails
“Just say what you have to say,Greer.”
Fuck.She hasn’t called me that in years. Not seriously.
Her lips are chapped like she’s been chewing on them all night, and there’s a bluish tint under her eyes. Her casted hand hangs awkwardly at her side now, and all I can think is,this is my fault. Every bruise. Every break. Every minute of that pain.
I was going to come in calm, own my shit, apologize like a man, but now I’m here and she looks like this, like I broke her in places I can’t even see, and it just…
“Fuck,I’m so damn sorry.” The words spill out, too fast. “I can’t, I don’t even know. I keep replaying it over and over. I can’t breathe when I think about it. I shouldn’t have?—”
“Shut up, Finn!” She cuts me off, and I go still.
She’s trembling, but her chin lifts like she’s daring me to interrupt her.
“Forget what I just said,” she bites out. “I’mgoing to say what I have to say.”
I nod, since I don’t trust myself to open my mouth. If this is where she finally tears me to pieces, I’ll take it. Hell, I’d rather have her fury than the way she looked at me in that hospital. Let her burn me alive,just don’t look at me like that again.
“I take full responsibility for this, all of it. I kissed you. I didn’t tell you I was a virgin. I wanted you, and I asked for it. I literally begged for it.” Her laugh is sharp, but there’s no humor in it. “So whatever guilt you’re carrying around like a martyr, fucking drop it.”
“Alaina—”
“No,” she snaps again. “You don’t get to spiral and playthe sad hero. I fucked this up, and I dragged you down with me. I made you betray your best friend.”
I shake my head, mouth open, heart slamming against my ribs. “No, it’s my fault. I?—”
“Ishouldn’t have done it,” she interrupts me again. “I knew what I was doing. I knew what would happen, and I wanted it anyway. That’s on me, but I can’t keep carrying your guilt too. I’m already drowning in my own.”
I take a step toward her. “Baby?—”
“I loved you for over a decade, Finn.” Her eyes find mine, and the truth in them steals the air from my lungs. “All this time, I wondered what it would feel like to be wanted by you, just once. I was selfish. I knew what I was doing to you, to us, to our dynamic, toDane. I know I deserve this, and I’m not worth shit, but I still don’t need this. I don’t need to be your mistake. I’m my own mistake. So please, stop looking at me like I ruined your life. I can’t?—”
“Alaina.” I reach out to grab her upper arm. “Fuck, no. You didn’t ruin my life. You’re not?—”
She jerks away, like my touch stings. “I hope one day we can forgive each other, but right now, I’ve got nothing left to give. I’m empty. I can’t think about this, or you, or what we did. I’ve got too much riding on what’s next.”
The way she trails off makes my chest cave in.
“I won’t tell Dane.” Her voice softens a little. “He needs you and this friendship, and so do you. I won’t be the one to take that from you guys.”
“Don’t do this.Please.”
“You can hang out with us but keep your distance from me.” She swallows hard. “I can’t keep looking at you and seeing how much you regret me.”
“I don’t,” I protest. “Alaina, I’mnotashamed.”
Fuck, how badly can one fuck up?
“Actions speak louder than words, Finn.” She looks at me for a few more seconds, but when I don’t say anything, too stunned to speak, she turns and walks away, hugging herself, before disappearing inside, the screen door whispering shut behind her.
I just stand there, staring at the bus’ rusty paint with my hands shaking, my mouth still dry with everything I didn’t get to tell her. All the shit I’ve been swallowing for weeks, circling and festering until I was choking on it.
I’m still choking.
“Actions speak louder than words.”
How many times did I tell her that back then? Whispered it into her hair after some brutal day on the trail, when the other girls tore her down just for being better. When Dane was too busy being everyone’s golden boy to notice how much it was costing her. She’d come to sit beside me, with her stormy caramel eyes, and I’d side hug her, tell her it didn’t matter what they said. That talk was cheap, and people could say whatever they wanted, but what mattered was what you did.
And what did I do when it was my turn to prove it?
