Page 103 of Holding On to a Hero
“I have to. I need closure. My therapist thinks it’s a good idea, and so do I.” I stopped and bounced on the balls of my feet, trying to shake the stress out of my body. “I’m just nervous.”
Jason and Cole walked over and put me in the middle of a hug sandwich. “She’s probably nervous too.” Cole murmured in my ear.
“Yeah, I know. Okay, it’s time. You two go…somewhere else.” I got simultaneous cheek kisses before they went into the living room. Where I was sure they’d be able to hear everything. I marveled again at the feeling of being part of a relationship. Not alone. I rubbed my chest with my free hand as I woke up the laptop and launched the videoconferencing app. Even if this conversation went to shit, I’d still have my guys.
She’d reached out via my photography website’s contact form a few weeks ago. She’d already apologized but she’d asked for a phone or video conversation. It had taken many discussions with Jason and Cole, not to mention my therapist, but I’d finally agreed. And here we were.
I took a deep breath, adjusted the camera angle and pasted a pleasant and hopefully relaxed expression on my face. She was already waiting for me.
“Hi, Mr. Graham. Thank you for agreeing to speak with me.” She looked…small and sad. Not the huge presence my memories and nightmares had painted her to be. Just an ordinary grieving woman.
“Please, call me Will.” At that moment I realized I was the one with the power in this conversation. I needed to use it to help us both. I breathed deep, letting go of my defensiveness, and gave her what I hoped was an encouraging look.
“Thank you, Will. Please call me Stephanie.” She paused, closing her eyes briefly. She put on a determined face. “I know I’ve already apologized for my awful behavior to you in the hospital. But I can’t imagine how you must have felt after seeing all of those people die and being injured yourself, and then having me scream at you for not being able to save Sarah.”
“I understand. You had just lost your daughter. Please don’t beat yourself up about it.” I was never going to tell her about the guilt she had caused me.
“Well, that’s very kind of you. I just wanted to explain. You see, I felt responsible for Sarah’s death.”
My face must have reflected my shock.
“She didn’t want to be in the wedding. She and her cousin were not close, and she didn’t like any of Desiree’s friends. But my sister wanted a family member in the bridal party and she pressured me to get Sarah to agree. So I guilted Sarah into being a bridesmaid.” She turned her face away and swiped her eyes with her fingers.
I smiled at her in sympathy. “I understand how you must have felt. I take a lot of blame onto myself for things I can’t control as well.”
She grimaced. “Well, then I’m sure I didn’t help you. Instead of getting therapy right away to deal with my feelings of guilt and grief, I decided it was your fault for rescuing Desiree and Bianca instead of Sarah. Even though the police told me it was pure luck you’d been able to grab those two at all, and even if you hadn’t been injured it was too dangerous for you or anyone else to go back into the lake to look for Sarah or the others.” She gave me a sad smile. “But if I could blame you for failing to rescue Sarah, I didn’t have to blame myself. It took a lot of therapy, but I’ve finally been able to accept that it was an accident and it wasn’t my fault she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Good for you. I’ve found therapy to be extremely helpful.”
“I saw you on TV. You look happy with your, um, partners?” I smiled at her, this woman who had caused me nightmares and insomnia.
“I am. They’re wonderful.”
“Good. You deserve that happiness.”
“Stephanie, I hope you have found some happiness as well.”
“Oh, I have. My son’s children are my joy, and I’ve been volunteering at an LGBTQ youth center.”
“Really? That’s great! What made you choose that?”
Stephanie looked uncomfortable. “Well, once I’d gotten to the point where I knew I had to apologize to you, I tried to track you down here in Denver. I didn’t realize you’d moved.”
“Okay?”
“I managed to find your parents.”
I sat back in my chair. “Oh. Wow.”
“Yeah.” She shook her head and gave a little laugh. “I mean, I’dheardof people’s parents kicking them out for being gay, but….” She shrugged and waved her hands a little. “I guess it wasn’t real to me. It wasn’t anything that had ever entered my realm of experience, so I didn’t have to think about it. But after talking to your parents – and, God, I am so sorry those are your parents – I realized that there are people out there,kids, who need help. So, yeah, that’s why I’m volunteering there.”
Fuck.I blinked back tears. “That’s…Stephanie, that’s wonderful. Thank you for doing that.”
“I like to think Sarah would be proud of me.”
“I have no doubt. Um, speaking of Sarah, I wanted to tell you she was the nicest person to me at that wedding.”
Stephanie smiled fondly, her gaze far away. “She always tried to go out of her way to be kind to everyone.” She wrinkled her nose. “My sister and her family, well, they’re not like that so much.”
